Wednesday, August 21, 2002

Yes, I am apparently in a mood. Whenever I get cranky, I wind up making more webpages. And, if anyone looks at my site with that knowledge, they might well say...WOW. This is one cranky girl. Of course, the happy perkiness that pervades most of my webstuff wouldn't tell you that. Webpages are just how I's easy to get absorbed in making one so I can forget whatever is bothering me. I think must be particularly disturbed, as the page I just put up is a strange kind of homage to Ogre...and he's running a deli. My fiancee and I had this whole discussion about how Ogre seems to be fixated some on meat because references appaear in his lyrics quite a bit. Like so many of my ideas for webpages, this one was just plain wrong.

I've been pondering my regrets lately....I find myself in this annoying pattern of wanting to do certain things, but I don't because of fear, or laziness, or perhaps making the wrong decision. So when I miss a chance to do something or take advantage of a certain situation, the first step to the land of regret is general pining. " Oh...why didn't I do that..waaaaaa. blahblahblah. I should have." And then I wallow in that. Then, my imagination (which has its own hidden agenda that even I don't understand) decides to wander off into daydreams that attempt to resolve my regrets by allowing me to relive the situation and visualize what I should have done and what could have happened. This doesn't really help much besides putting me in a languishing, dreamy state that's hard to get out of, and doesn't really bring my feelings to any sort of conclusion. So, then I further obsess about my mistakes until I get grumpy, blowing things out of proportion in my own head, until I eventually have to distract myself with some outside activity to escape my self inflicted bludgeoning.

Along the way somewhere, regret and fear form full blown angst and then I make more webpages in hopes that I can drive other people crazy.

What I really should do, is get out my stompy boots and go give fear a good kick in the ass the next time it tries to talk me out of doing something. Fear is a big problem for me...fear of acceptance, fear of the unknown, fear of myself. I'd like to think I'm better at dealing with it than I used to be, but I find that when I am given chances to change things I still wind up under its reins.
And regret is a hard thing to swallow...if you missed one chance, who knows when it will ever come again. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get a better chance next time. For now, that's what I'm hoping for.


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