Monday, February 26, 2007

I don't even want to blog. I don't see the point at the moment. I feel that I'm both rehashing old ground, and at the same time treading into territory that I am not ready to explain. it's more than just the weather, which has gotten an unceasingly tight hold on my moods and state of mind. It's more than the personal pain of strangers that i have to deal with everyday. It's definitely being cooped up and feeling trapped, but that's merely the microcosm of the situation.

I can't even blame it on the pervasive "monthly dilemna", because in truth it only makes apparent what is already there.

I'm beyond restless. I'm soaked through with a vicious melancholy that is hell bent on making as large a portion of my waking time seem useless. I'm renting a room to this brooding sadness that refuses to pack its baggage and go. I get angry, to the point of daydreams of mental violence against both of my unwanted guests.

If this was a dream, I'd will myself to become lucid and say fuck this. But in a dream this would be far easier. I have been able to do just that, but the doorway has been through action and anger and motivation - motivation and action being the hardest commodity to not be skived off with by the pantry mice.

I might as well be Hamlet. For in death what dreams may come. Action action action.
From the outside, I should be happy with what I have, and I am not saying that I am not pleased to be employed in the comfort of my home and that I am not content with doing artwork whenever I please and starting my own business. That's something I'd always wanted.

I have a level of comfort and security that is, well, comfortable and secure but fails on another level. it's not even that I need things to worry about and am looking for them (I know I'm also good at this, but this is not the case. I've got a case of shiftless discontent that has little to do with the progress I have made in the outside world.

The usual things piss me off - humanity behaving in a less than human manner, vapid soul sucking consumer culture, ignorance, government...blah blah blah.

But they are taking a back seat to the complete restless annoyance that has been plagueing me. I cannot seem to enjoy a large portion of my days. For a while, I thought it was the lack of human contact. Several parties later I find that I'm still socially capable and while I was cheered some by other people, that I feel more distant than ever.

I feel like many of my days are wasted by ennui. I attempt to go with the flow and note fight it - and it drowns me. it ruins my days, and while i set out to look at the landscape from the perspective of contemplation, my view eventually shifts to near depression. I try to fight against it, and with force, anger, and determination I can shove it aside for a while - days even. But the damn shadow always creeps in behind the sun again and stands waiting behind me.

I'm annoyed at best. I can't seem to enjoy just being for any length of time. I am very aware I'm not who I was but I am still me. My mind knows a lot of things, perhaps too much-but my emotions are constantly hostage to my incessant stream of thoughts. And when I do feel, it's the same old drudgery of a feeling. That stupid gnawing boo-hoo annoyance and what makes it even worse to bear is it's got this shiny speck of hope that it uses for a fucking yo-yo. Despair using hope for yo-yo tricks. this is my life.

And hear i am, fucking blogging when i don't even care to. I'm now tired, my melatonin is kicking in and i just want to sleep. That's usually been the solution to this mood. go to sleep, wake up tomorrow with a fresh take, have interesting dreams along the way. In the past, this worked because this mood was rare and never lasted very long.

I just want to scrap eveything sometimes. just pitch it all. I've been doing a lot of introspection and diggin up old bones to try and heal. I knew full well that this kind of thing could happen, but now that it's here I have all i can do to say fuck it. But I can't go back. it's like seeing the fedex arrow - you see it once, you can never stop seeing it.

I know I'm on the mirror side of the one way glass being observed, and I know perfectly well that's not a mirror I'm looking into, but I can't seem to change what I'm doing. Knowing is half the battle, sure. But the other half is far harder.

I just want to not feel like a wet rag. I want to be able to have a string of days where I can be content with life for no good reason. I want to feel like my time here isn't wasted. I want to stop drowning, either that or just drown and be done with it already.

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