Monday, December 15, 2008

Rarely does the search for gainful employment become comedy hour, but as the following job description proves, laughter is the best response. My comments are in purple.

Enjoy.



At STUPID POMPOUS UNNAMED COMPANY, we are committed to helping you accelerate your personal and professional growth and success. In no less than 1000 words. It's no secret we have high expectations - delivering high quality client service requires nothing less. It's no secret that communicating with actual people is a stumbling block because we're really a bunch of badly programmed robots. But we also have a supportive, flexible, and inclusive work environment. So while you're growing professionally, you'll have a life outside of work. A life inclusive of your biologically developed progeny as well as your domestically qualified emotional support companion who will modify organically processed nutritional ingredients in pursuit of maximum health architecture. No matter what your goals are - or whether they're still evolving - opportunities to succeed top the list. At Our Pointless Company, you'll work with world-class professionals and have access to the latest technology tools, knowledge resources, and learning programs. Scrabble for everyone! You'll work with teams that tackle new challenges nearly every day. Like what real people actually say to each other. You'll get a great foundation so you can take your career where you want to go. At Initech, you can make a difference - for investors, for clients, for the firm, and for yourself.


Managing important financial and business risks is a fundamental key to success for all businesses. zzz....wha? oh, still talking I see. In recent years, companies have been dealing with new regulations and rapidly changing risk profiles. Never play risk and start a land war with China. You will lose. Our clients are seeking to work with a professional services provider who can deliver people with the right skills to help identify and address their growing portfolio of risk. I've got a stunted parcheesi portfolio. Is your company still for me? That's why We got totally bombed on Jager and created Advisory Services - a platform that offers a single global approach to meeting clients' full spectrum of risk management needs.


Within our incomprehensible TSRS practice,TSRS meaning....Take Steak Release Snowmobiles? The Senator Really Sucks? To Sweden Ride South? Tackle Seven Raving Supermodels? the Manager participates in and supervises multiple client engagement teams and other related activities. What kind of fucking activities are related to that? Scratching your ass? Engagements focus on helping clients assess, improve and monitor business issues related to the application of information technology. Umm...last I heard the only one who uses Engage as word that doesn't mean proposing to a potential spouse captains a starship you motherfuckers. Engagements vary considerably in size and complexity but all aim toward helping to improve IT and business performance. So you're a bunch of polygamists?

THIS IS WHERE IS GETS REALLY GOOD FOLKS.


Responsibilities

The Business Architect function brings a specialized focus to the traditional Manager role. Specifically, this function serves as a project leader focused on working with business and IT professionals to prepare business case development ensuring alignment throughout the system development lifecycle and implementation. Specifically, we have no idea how to actually use english to explain much of anything in any sort of understandable manner. Additionally, the Business Architect will prepare business requirements following an established framework (e.g., Rational Unified Process, rational? where? Object Oriented Design, so they, like, make stuff, right? Universal Modeling Language). Ah yes. Let me get out my Universal moedling language dictionary, it may make this less painful. Business requirements will be prepared to establish system development scope and requirements and will be used by technical professionals to prepare technical designs for system development purposes. Technically my system developments technical needs are systematically technical in their development. In addition to preparing business requirements, the Enterprise Architect wait, wasn't this for a Business Architect? will be responsible for requirements management throughout the system development life cycle, test strategy development, test case development, test execution and test acceptance procedures. testing testing...is this thing on? Can you people actually be expected to SAY something that has some sort of, I don't know...actual meaning?

Collaborate with other members of the engagement team to plan the engagement wow, I didn't have one of these before I got married. Guess I missed out. and develop work program timelines, risk assessments, and other planning documents. Work with the engagement team to identify business and technical requirements. Translate business requirements into functional specifications using an established. ? an established what?!! Spork? Llama? And how the hell are you going to translate any business requirements FUNCTIONALLY when you're too busy snorting coke and reading a thesaurus upsidedown? Serve as a project leader by directing the daily tasks performed by project teams, informing supervisors of engagement status and managing staff performance and client satisfaction. So, what, you point at things and grunt?


Demonstrate and apply a thorough understanding of complex information systems and their application in various business situations. Communicate as required with engagement team and client management through written correspondence and oral presentations. Basically, you have the job if you can wade through our unecessarily logorrheic psychobabble and make some sort of pretense at what in blazing hell we're talking about. Because even we don't know. Pass me the joint.


Demonstrate and apply strong project management skills, inspire teamwork and responsibility with engagement team members, and use current technology and tools to enhance the effectiveness of deliverables and services. And get your TPS reports in on time. Don't forget the cover sheet. You got the memo, right? And we'll need you to come in on sunday.

Qualifications

  • Ability to travel up to 40%

  • Bachelor's or Master's degree in business, accounting, finance, computer science, information systems, engineering or a related discipline Umm...that's kind of a broad selection of fields. What is considered a related discipline to all that? How about King Crab fisherman?

  • Minimum of 3 years experience working as a business analyst, business architect or technologist Technologist? What the flying fuck is that? Like a gynocologist except they stick cold circuit boards in there? And what the hell is a business ARCHITECT? Besides not being and actual ARCHITECT. ARCHITECTS make pretty buildings stand up. I don't think your position has anything to do with that.

  • Minimum of 2 years of relevant experience would be acceptable for those holding an applicable graduate degree Plus a 10 year degree in abstract vaguaries, and a BS in BS.

  • Strong problem solving, analytical and strategic thinking skills to anticipate client challenges and opportunities Like how you're going answer questions about what this job actually is, since no human will be able to figure it out.

  • Working knowledge of requirements documentation and requirements management methodologies and tools (e.g., RUP, UML) AH! I get it now, since you've clarifed with useful abbreviations that I have no familiarity with whatsoever. Why is all the rum gone?

  • Familiarity with commercial test tools (e.g., Mercury Interactive Suite) is desired

  • Demonstrated project management skills

  • Full software development lifecycle experience: requirements, design, build, test, deploy is preferred Read in a computer voice "would..you...like...to...play..a..game?"

  • Broad architectural experience (snorting tea through my nose) Any self respecting architect would have shot you several unnecessary paragraphs ago because you fail to grasp the meaning of the word. You have no clue what you are even asking for.

  • Strong written and verbal communication skills and presentation skills So, you're certainly not qualified for this job then are you?

  • Leadership, teamwork and client service skills Do you need to supply your own lube for these client service skills?

  • Demonstrated integrity within a professional environment translation: we don't want a complete dumbass. But that's all we're going to get cuz we dunt speax very goodsz.

  • Candidates must hold or be actively pursuing related professional certifications related, meaning the red headed stepchild of business. So, whatever you fucking want.
While I am obvious not disclosing the name of this unfortunate company, so as not to embarrass them further than they are already fully capable of doing well enough on their own, I will say that (from what we can tell) they are a business consulting firm, which I think about says it all.

I'm having a meeting with the Bobs tomorrow.

1 Comments:

Blogger sterno said...

Additionally, the Business Architect will prepare business requirements following an established framework (e.g., Rational Unified Process, rational? where? Object Oriented Design, so they, like, make stuff, right? Universal Modeling Language). Ah yes. Let me get out my Universal moedling language dictionary, it may make this less painful.

All of that, incidentally, made perfect sense to me and is a decent chunk of the work that I do :). Weep for me :)

1:16 PM  

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