Thursday, September 13, 2007

I'd like to announce that I am happy.

no really, I'm actually quite content and don't have the need to complain or rant at the moment.

Stop looking so shocked.

I have no real idea how this happened, or why. (I think I'm having PMS actually, why can't it be more like this?) Nor should I further question the situation.

It started near the end of work. i was crabby. Tired of people and their condolences, but I had the window open as the weather finally warmed up again after a couple cold days. it didn't happen right away. it sort of, crept up. I couldn't stay in the house so I went for a jog. I took the pigs outside for grass.

All the while, this pervading feeling of...joy? that I haven't felt in the way i'm experiencing it since i was a child. it's that kind of happy go lucky joy, the I've been playing in my sandbox all day and don't have a care in the world kind of joy. The kind of happy I had almost everyday playing in the yard all while I was growing up.

And I don't know what to do with myself. there's nothing in particular I want to do. Except maybe just observe and enjoy this mood. If I knew how to replicate this morning, I sure as hell would.

I'm not even bothered by the fact that I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just happy that the day is so nice, the sky is so blue, that Muffin will be home soon and we'll have dinner, that the pigs are happy and squeaky.

there's a little bit of sadness too...as I realize how much I miss feeling like this. That there's this hope beyond hope of possibility. That there are no worries or fears that can touch me. It's that just glad to be alive kind of feeling. I came close to this in New Orleans, but even that beloved place can't do this feeling the same justice.

it's safety, security, feeling and trusting that things will be taken care of and work out. Of being glad and grateful for what is. There's a newness and wonder and innocence to it.

And no words really do it any justice. I used to go to sleep feeling this way, and wake up feeling this way too. I'd almost forgotten how wonderful it is.

I wonder what I've done to deserve this, though I'm not sure that is even a fit question to ask, and it really doesn't matter anyway.

Just thought I'd let you all know....

2 Comments:

Blogger caitlin said...

gosh, that's so wonderful. i'm so happy for you- i miss you.

9:42 PM  
Blogger sterno said...

I wonder what I've done to deserve this, though I'm not sure that is even a fit question to ask, and it really doesn't matter anyway.

Gift horse. Mouth. :)

I know what you mean though. Sometimes I just have randomly really good days for no particular reason. I find that typically it's a Saturday because usually I've had enough sleep and I've usually had enough time to do something that makes me feel like I accomplished something. Maybe it's cleaning. Maybe it's just going for a really long walk (usually ~7 miles).

Sundays, in comparison are usually my worst. It's the day before Monday, and may have been preceded by a weekend of getting nothing accomplished. I begin to contemplate my existence and purpose, and why I even bother to get up in the morning.

9:41 AM  

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