Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Come see the Skynet Side of Sears.

As if job hunting isn't enough of a chore, now it's fucking creepy.

Biological Algorithm Architect

So, what does one think when one sees this title (besides the obvious stream of curse words about fields that have nothing to do with architecture co-opting a title that they have no right to)?


...Job Description- Are you an expert in advanced biologically-based, software algorithm development?
Here at Sears advanced technologies we are creating advanced software systems using these techniques, and need experienced architects (NURGHHNNGNNNGHEADEXPLODY)with Masters or PhD level algorithm skills. We need the experts who can write books on this subject.

Blah blah bla...Sears? Wait, huh?

Education/Skills/Experience Requirements We are looking for a Biological Algorithms Architect with the following skills:

-Experience (expert-level) with the development of biologically inspired software algorithms


-Experience or in-depth knowledge with genetic algorithms, artificial neural networks, and evolutionary algorithms.

I repeat, artificial neural networks. And evolutionary algorithms. (getting fidgety)

-Knowledge of fuzzy logic, particle swarm optimization, and ant colony optimization.

(hiding under couch, looking for John Connor's phone number)

-Minimum of Master's Degree, PhD preferred.

-Experience with artificial intelligence and learning systems.

(Haley Joel Osment suddenly enters room. Panic ensues)

-Necessary to have experience with classifiers.

-Experience optimizing algorithms for high-performance/scalability environments with massive databases.

(I have too much fear in my brain to grasp that sentence. where is my gun.)

-Hands-on experience with Java or .NET programming desired.

-Desire to make sentient machines that steal your clothes and are programmed to exterminate the human race.

- Excellent communication skills

-Experience working in fast-paced, collaborative, team-oriented environments
(translated: ability to run fast enough from the fucking machines to get to the rest of your platoon so you can shoot the motherfuckers)

-Passion for the utilization of new thinking and technologies to solve innovative business requirements.

(what the hell kind of innovative business requirements that Sears has necessitate AI? Talking washing machines?!! Self aware refrigerators?!)

. Ability to adapt to new development processes and changing business requirements

I applied the cortical electrodes but was unable to get a neural response.
.....Where's my time travel device?!!

SEARS? no really. SEARS?!!!!
Everywhere, thousands of blenders and toaster ovens are laying in wait, plotting, devising....I no longer feel safe in my kitchen.


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