Thursday, June 12, 2003

Pants. Pants are a great word to insert into random sentences for no reason. Pants are often difficult to find however. This past weekend, Mike needed to pick up some new pairs of pants for work. He likes dockers because they fit right. So we go to Sears to look for dockers. It got cold and started raining. That should have been a clue right there. Did we listen? No.

So we paw through sears and they don't have a single pair of pants in his size, which is an extremely average size -waist 32 (or 33), inseam 34. None. In no brand of pants as a matter of fact. We go to Marshall Fields. No pants. Bloomingdales. No pants. Another Sears. Still no pants. Lord and Taylor. totally void of pants. Marshalls. Completely pantsless.

What should have taken one shopping trip became an afternoon-long exercise in futility, the rain getting worse with every passing visit to another pantless store. he got on and noted that apparently they still made his size, but he couldn't seem to even buy a pair online. He calls an 800 number to talk to Dockers people, and they tell him that the most recent shipment of pants in his size went to a store on the south side of Chicago. He could either try there, or order some from other affiliated stores in Colorado or Texas.

We call the south side store. They have pants. We have less than an hour to get there. It's pouring, and traffic sucks. We get into the building just as they say they are closing. We are NOT happy. Mike is getting psychotic and giggly. We drive home, thoroughly through with looking for pants. the sky opens up to a lovely shade of blue and the sun shines, it looks like it never even rained.

We eat lots of ice cream to drown our sorrows in a totally wasted day.

Today, Mike goes to a JCPenney in the suburb where he works and he picked up three pairs of pants. Apparently there are only short fat men in the chicago city limits, and all the skinny tall guys hang out on the south side or the suburbs. There were so many dockers he didn't know what to do with himself. And tomorrow is casual day.

Stab in head.

This is why men should be allowed to wear skirts. this whole pants phenomenon is a conspiracy. Men have gone without pants for centuries before in history. Men should wear skirts and kilts. They'd only have to worry about their waist measurements and length. Skirts can also cover those unsightly guts as well.

We need more men in skirts. With long hair. and bagpipes.

And, would someone please tell me whose wonderful idea it was to name a city Liverpool? That's a nasty nasty name! (leave it to the brits) that's like saying...hey! i'm from Spleenpuddle! Or I was born in Abbatoirbucket! Or my granny grew up in Pancreassmear!

not attractive.

Especially when compared to men in skirts. rarrrr.

So tomorrow i will be going to the zoo. Hopefully the zookeepers won't sedate me and put me back where I belong. I hate it when people stare at me when I pee on the glass.

Just kidding. Course, now you're all wondering, aren't you?

this is what it's like to be in my head. Except with less pronouns. Be glad you are out there.

Now listening to....
the sound of one-legged pants clapping


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