Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Ok...so it's been almost a month since I blogged last. Not a surprise considering my schedule. I got home in time to go to bed last night after being at a run thru for my last show and doing a small but much needed shopping trip.

Still doing alterations. have my last batch of fittings today during MY CLASS in which I am trying to finish my damn wedding dress. the most annoying pasrt is I am almost done, but I'm so worn out.

And, today I find out that work wants me for 3 more days after the semester ends for focus reviews. This is me pretending to care. I made it known that I am tired and need a break, and that I am not keen on this idea. But, as long as it is only the three days I was informed of and I'm there from 9-3 instead of all day then I will help because my supervisor has no one else. It's not like I don't need the money...but more than that I need some goddamn rest.

We still have gotten nearly nowhere with the wedding, godawful beast that it seems right now. Maybe I'll feel better about it when that's all I have to deal with. Granted, mike has been dragging his feet some too. it's hard to work on it when i'm so busy and I need to motivate him too. My dress is the biggest issue right now anyway...as I'll be getting graded on it. If I could just have a day to fucking sew...just be left totally alone and just sew. then I could stay focused long enough to get things done.

Aside from that, the apartment looks about the worst it ever has. i've given up on dishes. I never have time for them. Fuck the rest of the chores too. Not happening until I'm done here.

Which is why I'm vaguely pissed about being at work for three days after school lets out. I NEED THAT TIME.

Yum. a squishy day out subway sandwich. Lunch 1.0

Anyhow...what else....oh yes. June will be dedicated to ME. The me that needs to get back on my exercise routine. The me that is going to sandblast my apartment clean. the me that needs to update her radio show as I've taken it off the air, and also update webpages which are in severe need.

I NEED TO GET SOME SHIT DONE!!! DO YOU MIND????? (that was me, shouting to the universe. thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week)

ASide from all the other crap going on, I'm been vaguely wonky and thoughtful on the more etheric side of my life, which also decided to unearth itself recently.

(it's always everything at once)

So, for no apparent reason I'd been driven to read old diaries, look at old art, re think old dreams,break out my runes and tarot cards (which I previously only used in times of severe strife) and rethink why the hell I'm here. Can we say, haunted?
It was really coming to a head this past week, when a day after, I learned that there was a full moon and a lunar eclipse. Well, that would just do it now wouldn't it?

I'm much more spiritual than I let on to most people, mostly as it's a very private thing for me, plus people get freaky about that in this day and age. (sad really) When i say spiritual, I'm not talking about religion either. Religion has become somewhat of a labeling system and guidelines within that label that I'm not really sure I can ever adhere myself to.

I find that in every religion - even Hari Krishnas- there is truth, and there is good to come from it, and there are ideas that can help one imporve themselves on a spiritual level. But, because of that, and because of the way religion seems to work for the most part, I don't feel that I can or ever will say I am christian, or I am pagan, or I am buddhist because it seems too limiting for me. It just seems like belonging to one religion has meant discarding other things which may not coincide with the set belief system for that religion, and that's something i've always had trouble with.

There's never just one way. Sure, some are better than others, but some ways are better for certain people. What works for one person, may be totally wrong for someone else.

As much as I wear black velvet, have colored hair, and listen to depressing music, I don't consider myself goth. I'm me. The label doesn't fit anymore. I tried it on, wore it for a while, and realized that while there were parts of being "goth" that struck a chord with me, that there were some actions and beliefs that went along with it that didn't fit me, and to try and force myself into an uncomfortable mold that wasn't me was pointless and self defeating.

So I shook off the label.

I am feeling the same way about religion...and I realize it's something that's been there for a while. I have a different approach to spirituality that most people don't quite understand, me included. But...I'm finding now that I'm not the only one who feels that way. A specific religion feels to me like the uncomfortable label of goth. Yet I am friends with a catholic priest who has some buddhist leanings, I have friends who are pagan, I at one point, even visited a krishna house with a friend who was trying to find her way. I've seen many sides of the spectrum and concluded that once again, in this instance, I am me.

I can get something out of church visits, although I don't find it necessary to go on a regular basis. I can get something out of reading runes, or meditating or staring at the clouds/trees/stars/ what have you. I just don't see the need to cram myself into a label that will only make me uncomfortable, and cause inner trauma with some of the beliefs that have been with me over the years and I've always felt to be true. What am I then? I'm me. I'm everything. Fill in whatever blank you want for me on that form because my definition does not exist.

So there. nyah.

So, is it really any surprise then, that I would have a dream of a word that I had to translate because I don't speak the language and find that is has been the truest name I have ever taken for myself...to the point that it stuck enough for me to sign artwork and online posts and this journal with it?

Eile = other

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