Friday, May 18, 2007

Ok, so I've been silent, but that doesn't mean I haven't had a raging torrent of bile to let out. I just have been so irate that i haven't had a structured way of formulating the expression besides a noise that would sound something like HARRGGHHHAAHHHAGGHHHHHHHHHARRAGGGGHHH!!!!!!

Let me just say that VNV Nation is my friend right now. And one of their song lyrics is becoming my mantra. Never mind the mantra that I need to use more often, FUCK EVERYTHING.

So, what's wrong this time? A little of the old rehash, some new crap sprinkled with a tasty dash of oh please, can you believe this.

I have come to realize over a span of time, that I haven't been very nice to myself, nor accepting, and often I am downright mean to myself. I'm talking about the way I talk to myself in my head. In my continuing saga of self improvement and cleaning out old baggage, one of the suitcases exploded dirty crusty underwear all over my psyche, and the smell alone is causing me trouble in its cleanup.

I focus too much on the negative. (geez, like that's not obvious from this blog) I know I wasn't always this way. I have, in writing, from an old high school friend who signed a book for me as a senior about how I was optimistic.

Really, how many of you are shocked by that?!

So, I ask myself, over iced tea, "Self, how mave we gone to shit? How DID this happen?"
My self responds by saying it's been a long process, and it's taken many different influences on us to get to where we are. Obviously, our condition is such because we let it get that way, but we are not the only ones to fault.

There's the media with its endless barrage of schlock about weight loss, instant cures, beauty solutions, vapid pretty people with meaningless soap opera lives, commmercials, etc. All these things that send messages about how we aren't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough. And even if you sneer or laugh at the ads that make you feel that way because they are trying to get you to buy their product (and you don't buy it because you know it's a load of crap), at another level, all those messages sink in, and they do effect you.

this is one reason why i watch as little TV as possible. And listen to the radio next to never and don't buy magazines.

It still has messed with me, obviously.

I'd been unhappy with my figure for some time - school had given me stress, bad eating habits and insomnia near the end, so I got the complimentary parting gift of pudge. Never mind that I wasn't exercising regularly, or wasn't able to because of my schedule.

it's taken a long time to get myself on ANY kind of exercise plan because one thing or another always knocked me off. I worried because if I didn't exercise, I would never lose the pudge, etc.

Leave it to an activity that by it's nature i never liked (jogging/running) in the past, that I've been able to get active and make a habit out of it. Never mind the walking I've been doing on the inbetween, because the house has been suffocating me this last winter/spring.

I'm wokring on just feeling good about myself. It's not as easy as you'd think. but I am very proud of my acheivements as far as exercise and diet go. I'm not ON a diet, I just eat well.
I don't own a scale. It would be bad for me. I tend to obsess.

The stuff that runs around in my head though. I say stuff to myself that I'd never say to friends or anyone else I care about. Why then do I keep telling myself such shit?
it's a bad habit. Habits are hard to break. I'm trying.

it's especially difficult when the world around you just LOVES to reinforce the negative messages you are trying to get rid of. It's like trying not to eat cheese in a city that was sculpted out of cheddar.

Cue VNV.

It's also very much like trying to rouse yourself from a pesky dream state - especially one of those awake ones where you know you're awake, but your mind keeps droning on and on about whatever it is the dream encompasses - and whatever the topic, it doesn't actually exist.

Whether it's the slip of someone's tongue in saying something they shouldn't, or hearing the TV in passing, or talking to someone who's had nothing but complaints and negative stuff to say for months, it sinks in.

For someone like me who's already a hermit, it doesn't much make me want to go out into the world. I don't NEED anymore of the world's baggage. I want to enjoy life without all this rubbish about war and politics and stupid asshats doing stupid asshat things, and worrying about what kind of cancer I might catch, what new medication I might want to take so I can acquire a colection of fun side effects, listening to ignorant people spout everything from religious dogma to scientific dogma, celebrities telling me to save the planet by purchasing expensive light bulbs and cars I can't afford...


I've never related well to this world. I thought I was smart at the age of 5 or 6 that I decided never to be a grown up because grownups didn't have fun with their lives. I STILL agree with that sentiment, the problem is, I found out that while I support that way of thinking, I still let all the world's shit get to me.

I know this world has problems. I've had it with hearing about them. I have to read about people dying everyday. How cheery do you honestly think it makes me?
I've had it with every fucking know it all on the planet getting up on their soap boxes to protest this that or the other things without being informed, open minded or overly opinionated. Most of the problems in this world are being addressed incorrectly anyhow as what we view as "problems" are symptoms of other dysfunctions that no one is considering with any seriousness.


You want to be a jar of jam? Do you look in the mirror every morning and see your religious/political affiliation reflected back? Is that all you want to be? A string of words?
I don't care if you can tout whatever doctine you're pushing word for word. No one ever really feels good about themself because they can regurgitate information, nor should they be awarded for it. And no one really believes in the talk when it's not backed up by action, insight and real knowledge.

I realize I'm digressing....but considering the state of things lately it has been quite hard to focus.

What I'm asking for is simple. I want peace. I want joy. I want freedom from worry. I want to live like life is worth living, not that it's something to fear.

There is so much fear- not just in this culture but in this world. And what do we do? We keep feeding it. It turns into stress, it turns into war and it turns into disease, hatred, poverty, intolerance, etc.

We don't even realize how much we carry around with us until we actually stop to look. And many people don't look, because it is indeed overwhelming.

I've looked. it's definitely a monster, very much like a hydra. I cut off one head, it grows another, sometimes two. But I'd rather look than pretend.

And now that I've looked, I'd like to overcome.

If that means that I don't join in negative conversations anymore, or watch even less TV (if that's possible), or go off walking on my own in the park to talk to squirrels then so be it.

I've held onto this shit for far too long. it's not mine, it never was, and I don't want it anymore.

I've come to realize there is indeed a reason why we are all here, and it CERTAINLY is not to watch Paris Hilton whore herself out to the cameras, or be flag waving idiots, or to eat Big Macs and shop at walmart.


Blogger sterno said...

Ya know, every time you blog I see a bunch of things I want to comment on, but there's just so many that by the time I get to the end I don't know where to start :)

It doesn't entirely surprise me that you may have one been an optimist. A cynic, after all, is an idealist with experience :).

Congratulations on sticking with the exercise and diet stuff. It is weird to go from loathing something (running) to... well maybe not liking it, but like not wanting to stop doing it. Like after a bad day or whatever I really want to just go out and run.

I think that there's a lot of people in the world who derive value from convincing us that it's a miserable place. It bleeds it leads, etc. The fundamental truth is that most people in the world are good decent people. Sure, we're all inherently self centered creatures, but it makes us feel good to do nice things for people.

I'm an idealist to, and I try to fight that cynical instinct as it creeps up. I'm involved in politics and deep down I'm waiting to be disappointed, but some part of me thinks, maybe, just maybe it's that assumption that ruins things. That if we all just tried hard enough and ignored that cynical voice, maybe we'd really fix some things.

Granted, I'm no saint. I'm lazy. I contribute my fair share of pollution to the world, etc. I'm materialistic. But I try at least, and maybe that counts for something. Or maybe I'm just deluding myself, self-justifying us down into the abyss.

10:13 PM  

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