Monday, June 18, 2007

I should rename this blog the complaint file. It'd be more honest.

This is just some random drivel I want out of my skull, as I've had a day and I'm doing some mental housecleaning. Most of this has been brought on by what I read at work, because I read the same sentiment so very often and see the same opinions over and over.

Before I comment on those things, I must add that my job, while in the comfort of my home, is a difficult one, moreso than most other stay at home jobs because of the nature of what I do. I would be lying if I didn't say it does affect me on a daily basis, seemingly more still than I've even chosen to realize, so there's a balance to be kept if I am to retain my sanity. I've noted that since the doldrums of winter, which consequently is when they stepped up my position, that I'd been having all sorts of troubles aside from physical illness including anxiety, insomnia, fear, loneliness, etc. I'm only just now really feeling better- far better than I have. Granted, I chose this time to also clean out emotional baggage, and boy, what rot there has been.

It takes a certain kind of person to do what I do - like it takes a certain kind of person to be a mortician. You have to have this balance between compassion and hardness, so you can not be as inhuman as to get annoyed with everything you have to read, but at the same time, not take it all to heart. Doing the upper level queues have given me access to more information about the deceased and their families, which means I have to figure out what kind of issues may be going on, or see what the person died of. Knowing this does not cause less anxiety.

I know people die everyday, it happens. I'm not afraid of death, although i really really really wish i could have more than a string of two day where I didn't have to hear about it. It's the living who make death unbearable. it's the grief, the anger, the sorrow plus the knowledge of how these people died that settles in when i'm not looking and without proper escape or release, things start to go wrong. I worry more about cancer, accidents, and odd mishaps than I should. Maybe I'm nuts, but like at a cemetery, there is a "residue" left on some of these posts that gets hard to shake. The emotions put into the writing reach to the other side and start draining me, the reader. Keep in mind that I read thousands of entries. that's a lot of damage.

I've been keeping up a routine of jogging, meditating, and getting out of the house on a regular basis for walks in the evening or adventures in the afternoon. I really need to leave the house more after work, as just being at the computer sometimes can trigger this unnameable restlessness and anxiety. Staying in the house until evening has caused emotional upset also. thusly, I need to get away as much as possible. I was spiritual already. I don't talk about it much, cause i don't think many people really get where I'm at and I know it's not a subject for casual comment, but lets just say that considering my work, I've been getting more spiritual. I kinda have to to combat the feelings.

I have been lately able to more clearly see the positives in my day, I've been taking pleasure in whatever small activities I can - even if that is doing nothing. And i try to make time for small periods of nothing to clear my head. I've needed large injections of joy, and I'm determined to get my fix.

Anyhow, onto the items that during my work get repeated ad nauseum that bug me in some way.

People really aren't very original, for one.
everyone says "uncle flabbo will surely be missed by everyone who knew him"
DUH. He's gone. when someone is not there, you miss them.
"Time heals all wounds"
But time does not heal hackneyed sayings, unfortunately.

I know there's a lot of people who are fond of bible verse, but I'm finding those sayings to be THE most trite and overused. They are so impersonal, so rote and empty. I won't even repeat all of them because there are too many. And the worst part is, they just seem so obvious in message half the time. it's like...yeah, I already knew that. why are we still saying this?

Now, i don't really mean to be putting down the beliefs of others, or saying that I am superior in one way or another, but....

There's all this religious stuff that has because it is so hackneyed, it becomes a kind of literal symbol that people believe, and it's really not the way things work. There's stuff about people sitting at Jesus's feet, or dancing around God's throne, or walking on streets of gold, or living up in the clouds. And the authors either believe or at the very least make it sound like that's what goes on in heaven all day. Even Jesus would get bored of people saying YAY! JESUS! all day long, but I swear to you, that what some people believe. it's like the whole wings and harps things. Yawn. Never mind that that's not how it works. God is not an old man with a beard and sandals, saying "Well done my faithful servant" everytime someone pops in. God is more creative than that. Give the infinite entity some credit.

I also have trouble with the idea that there are casinos, bingo parlors, fishing lakes, dirty kitchens to clean, factories, businesses, food, beds, daycare centers, etc. in heaven either. If there were, heaven would be a little too much like earth, and God knows after dealing with that crap for a lifetime, who wants to go back to it again? geez! it's a little more advanced than that folks.

Oh yeah, and apparently the angels aren't too bright because they get taught card games, dances, and cooking skills by the people who have ascended.

Sigh.

Then there's the people who say STAY STRONG for everyone. Most of the time, this staying strong means not showing emotion, even if you want or need to. This idea, is bullshit. If you're grieving, then grieve really messily because holding it in or pretending like you're ok just to keep the family from being sad is the worst thing you can do. What staying strong really is, is showing the emotions you do have, no matter what they are, talking to your relatives about them and their emotions, and not pretending like you're hurt that someone you love is no longer physically here.

The whole "stay strong" thing comes from the crappy male conditioning that says "real men don't cry, only babies cry." Emotions are not a sign of weakness. This is where some people got the stupid idea in the past that women are weak because they show so much emotion. No, they are actually stronger than Mr. Macho Titanium Nuts over there, who doesn't even know what he feels because he has been taught that something natural is an abomination to his irrelevant physical gender. the key is to not get carried away and drowned in the emotions you do have. Express them, channel them, use them in a constructive manner.

There are people who really trouble me because they are begging their loved one to return to earth. these are heartbreaking, but also not understanding that their loved ones are at peace and wouldn't want to come back here. they cannot grasp the concept that there is no real separation from their deceased loved ones, and are so attached to the physical indentity of them that they can't see the forest for the trees. I see a lot of codependence also - some of it incredibly unhealthy. Husbands who are lonely and write their wife the same message over and over written in different ways for months or years. Mothers (oh god...) who are SO UNABLE to let go of a deceased child- even if that child was an adult and had their own life that they are completely incapable of having any peace or happiness for themselves. there's this idea that suffering means love, that when someone dies, having unenjoyable holidays because Bobbie JO isn't there anymore or not celebrating at all should be the protocol.

it's the because you died ny life is meaningless tactic. And that, is truly sad and depressing, more so than any death ever is. People devalue their own existence and put their loved ones up on a pedestal. I know some people think it might be a reflection of Christ suffering and therefore act as such, but it's not healthy and not right. Death does not revolve around suffering. Death is a change and a release from physical form. I have a lot of problems with Christianity sometimes with the emphasis that is continually put on suffering, and I see how detrimental this thinking is when i have to read all this stuff. Sorry folks, we werem't put here to suffer either, not that everyday is a party, but please put down the damn kleenex at some point. it doesn't make you holy or better or secure you a better place in heaven's casinos.

people love labels. I have grown to hate them and not use them. yeah, I live in america, but I'm not really going to wedge myself into a single word to describe me. People love to describe themselves as Americans, Patriots, and Christians. Last I checked, I was a spirit first, a human second, than then all those other things are just sorta parts of me. I don't really identify with any one of them any more than another. However, people love to wear their merit badges. You know if someone's on your team if their wearing the Christian badge. you know who to sneer at if their not. Never mind that using terms like that to describe yourself are limiting, elitist and cause even more separation among humanity, which can't seem to come to terms with itself in its unity. Not that anyone is doing a whole lot for unity these days....at least they're not loud enough about it.

I would rather my obituary not read like an ingredient list or a trophy log. Since when can anyone sum up their whole life by a list of family names and random hobbies anyhow?

So there you have it, more reasons why people need to get a grip.

On a positive note, I found out about an interesting person through work when someone quoted him. There's a bunch of nice and very spiritual/peaceful uplifting thoughts written by the guy who founded Aikido. The sayings are from the Art of Peace. Definitely worth a read.
http://www-cse.ucsd.edu/users/paloma/Aikido/artpeace.html

2 Comments:

Blogger sterno said...

The only problem with your blog is that your posts are so long I never know which part to respond to :)

But anyhow, on the subject of death, it's always about the living. I mean the dead person's dead. It doesn't really matter what they think about any of it.

I've occasionally considered how I'd like my funeral to go. I think that's fairly normal. And this lead to me thinking of the somewhat eccentric idea of leaving a will that laid out what to do in the event of my demise in two envelopes. One would be the, "what I'd really want" envelope and the other would be something more modest. Then it'd be up to my family to figure out which envelope to pick. The unpicked envelope would be destroyed.

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Tirza said...

Well written article.

6:24 AM  

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