Wednesday, September 11, 2002

Odd that today is the best I've felt yet this week. Still restless, kinda unmotivated, but not as heavy as I thought I would be. I'm steering clear of all the 9-11 crap. I've had enough of the media hype and fear. It's one thing to honor those who were lost in the tragedy, it's another thing to spend all day watching tv and crying. So, instead, if i do anything today, I decided to reflect on hopeful things, or do something nice for someone, or engage myself in something I really love doing and enjoy living. If i learned anything at all from the tragedy, it was that life is too damn short to not LIVE.

Wrestling with myself especially now...trying to put to rest the inadequacy and self loathing, trying to make sense of how I operate and how I can improve my relations with people. I have my finger on the person I could be and who I really am, but freeing some of the entrapped aspects of me is the hard part. I've always had trouble being assertive and talking to people. I get nervous, scared, self conscious... afraid of being rejected.

I've noticed the one place where I can truly be myself and not care what people think is the dancefloor. For some reason, under the influence of the music, I can put aside my fears and all the things that inhibit me in my daily life are overcome for a short while. I feel confident, I'm not afraid to show my assertiveness, or express myself. I enter this strange almost trance kind of state a lot of the time while's just me and the music and the energy in the room. It doesn't matter if people are watching.

I find that throughout my life, I haven't been comfortable with being human, in this body. It just seems awkward and scary to me. But, in dancing, I am at home and comfortable with myself, almost totally. My best nights are those when I can just let go and be allowed to express whatever I've been bottling up...dancing almost to the point of exhaustion or past it. dancing is definitely a catharsis for me. I hide so many things, and it's the best release I've found. Better than art even. The feeling i get after a good night, with all the endorphins flowing, is one of happiness and accomplishment.

if I can just figure out how to transfer that to other parts of my life, I'll be on the right track.


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