Tuesday, September 03, 2002

What have I accomplished today? Well, I uploaded my random radio show, and even put together the show for afterwards. The show following will be a sort of old-school club set revisited from my days at Outland and Maxwell's in college (the first time around). Just putting the songs together gave me a good feeling. I still remember the smoky smell of the clubs and the feeling of the floor under my feet. I could use the comfort right now as I am still really pissed off and trying very hard not to be destructive (either in thought or deed). I'd love to go dancing about now. No, correction, I NEED to go dancing about now.

Work starts up again next week, and school later this month. I'm feeling spoiled and I don't really want to go back to work. This is the first break I've had in years and I've just been enjoying LIVING...getting up when I'm ready, doing artwork, exercising...making the most of my time and not having to worry about having to be anywhere specific unless I want to.

Even though I've finally relaxed again, I've had a lot on my mind. I'm doing my best not to dwell on the negative things that crop up, as is my usual habit. It's hard when you've learned to worry from a very young age. Probably my biggest issue in the coming months will be getting settled with myself and my artwork, and meshing that with boosting my self esteem. Well, hell that's always an issue I guess. Just now more than ever.... I have people telling me how talented I am...friends, random people who visit my site, and even people like Romell (it always means a lot from him, as I look up to him quite a bit) Yet I have a hard time truly accepting the praise a lot of times. I never really have felt I deserve it. I feel mediocre most of the time...and I feel like because I have nothing to show for my "talent" that I'm really not all that.

I don't know if I'll ever get past all that. It's something that only I can turn around, but nonetheless I still seek acceptance from others. I look back on my recent series of drawings and sometimes I am supremely pleased. Other times I think I could have done far better. I know I should keep up with the drawings....and the sewing. Getting in the mood to do creative work takes some work. Once I'm there...I get obsessed with the act of drawings/painting/whatever, and then the drive to keep moving forward sets in. I set aside things like eating, sleeping, chores..etc. just so I can work on stuff. I always wind up with several projects going at once. Perhaps the biggest problem with that is getting myself to finish everything (to my satisfaction).

Blah. I must be upset. it's all artwork with me. Art Art Art. Art art butter pickles art socks art dancing art art ice cream. That's what being in my head is like sometimes. Get me out of here.
Currently listening to SNOG, my favorite cynical, corporate bashing electro industrial band. I used to play the Corporate Slave song constantly at my first office job...quite loudly through the speakers.

11:32. I should get to bed. Rest usually helps with the onset of crabbiness. I've been on the damn electric box for too long today, running away from lots of things.


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