Monday, September 09, 2002

First day back to work was ok. Went pretty fast. In an very antisocial mood though...this is one of those times when I am somewhere between feeling ok about myself, and being really hard on myself. I'm not sure I'll ever overcome stepping on myself.
It's hard for me to feel good about myself without having a speck of doubt in the background. I tend to feel mediocre a lot...that I'm just me. Nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, no one who is all that interesting. Even if someone really likes some artwork that I do, or praises some other talent I have, it's hard for me to accept that praise and hold on to it. When I do stupid things or make mistakes, it feels like somehow any accumulated praise gets erased.

I know it's human to make mistakes, but I always feel ridiculous when I make even the smallest ones. Or else I think I've made a mistake, and I'm really not sure so I kick myself just in case. I'd really like to know where all this shit stems from...and maybe I could get a handle on it. I realized that half the reason I'm so hard on myself is at least I can control the punishment, as opposed to someone else dishing it out. But, that's no reason to beat myself up, I know.

Letting things go has never been easy. When you've been affected early on by harsh things that have been said to you, you get scars. It's more difficult to retain the good memories than the bad ones. The bad ones leave more of an impression and haunt you because of the emotional distress contained in them.

I'm trying very hard to come to terms with who I am and really put an end to my struggle with fear and myself. After this weekend I made some very big steps. I am NOT a confrontational person. I learned early that confrontation mean yelling and punishment, or ridicule. I am not very aggressive or assertive, and while I have gotten somewhat better, I have miles to go. I wish to god I could just summon up the courage to do things like going to talk to someone in a band who I feel like saying hi to, or standing up for myself when I feel like I'm being threatened.

The strength is somewhere in must be. I survived an attack that very well could have left me dead for all I know. But somehow I dredged up the courage to wound my attacker...and many people were surprised at that. My biggest fear is not being accepted. I've spent my whole life trying to gain approval from parents or friends...some validation of my existence. I know you can't be liked by everyone - that just doesn't happen. What I wanted when I was at my worst in my early teens was for someone to really LISTEN to me. My parents really weren't...not how I needed. And I had hardly any friends either....I was one of those geeks who was the object of various flavors of verbal torment in junior high.

Today things are FAR different....I have a lot of people who care about me and believe in me, but I still wrestle with acceptance. Because of growing up and getting put down a lot by the people who were supposed to help me build my self esteem (for dum things, mistakes, etc) I still feel like I'm not worthy of acceptance. I feel like I haven't been accepted for who I am. Maybe I'm not the most considerate person every single moment of the day, maybe I'm not the perfect picture of the child my parents wanted, but don't I deserve to be accepted, faults and all?

I'm at the age where I don't have to seek their validation anymore, and even friends are not the prime source of acceptance I need, nor should they be. I have to make peace with myself somehow...and the way of going about that and making it a lasting peace is still escaping me. It's so difficult. How does one undo the years of emotional knots that get tied around much that movement is impeded? I'm identifying greatly with Trent's line in Wish "26 years on my way to hell" at times. Now is the time to straighten this shit out...but I sometimes fear I'm moving backwards or not at all.

Maybe the reason I still seek approval from my friends now is that I'm trying to make up for the harsh words I got at a younger age. The other thing I realize as being difficult for me is still knowing that I am a good person even if I do stupid or bad things. I know I am not defined by a single action alone...there's no reason why I should bludgeon myself when I do something dum.

I have a strange feeling inside that is a mash of both joy and fear, redemption and accusation. I am at a point of change, severe change. With a wedding coming in less than a year, my career path still uncertain, and "adulthood" setting in, things are getting icky and creepy. I am the eternal child, as always. That is unlikely to change. I decided when I was young that I always wanted to be able to play and imagine and never lose the magic that I saw in the world. I saw the world of adults as boring and draining. Now here I am in the midst of it and my opinion hasn't changed. The worst thing a person can do in this world is grow up to be an "adult".

My world will never circle around business or commerce. I could give a shit about life insurance. I'd rather staple my tongue to a rusty wall than worry about my investments and mutual funds and what the neighbors think of me because I don't play golf. When there is no more room for art or music or dreams then life becomes dry and dull and isn't worth living.I've learned that while adulthood means responsiblity, responsibility doesn't signal the end of being young.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home