Monday, November 25, 2002

My day started out ok...but is winding up to be annoying. My back hurts, the fucking copiers are making my life difficult. We barely had costume class today. Kind-of a waste. I did confirm my sewing help with one of my classmates today though, so that will be something for me to do over break.

Overall, I am not in the mood to be around people. I'd rather be exercising and cleaning violently to music. That I will do when I get home.

I'm good at avoiding things....I can get a lot of things done once I get myself in gear, but my power to procrastinate is pretty strong. I'm not confrontational. I never just go up to people and start conversations and the like. It takes talking to them a few times for me to warm up. This, of course, goes back to being shy and lacking in self confidence and social skills.

Sometimes, I really wonder how I've made or kept any friends at all. I have some people I'm pretty close to, and several I'm friendly with, but I don't remember how the hell I got to know them and get long with them. Some friends have gone by the way, as time or distance will do...

Some people I began to be friends with I let go of because things didn't seem to be meshing quite right - in some cases, from the start. Getting to know people and finding friends has been nothing less than a task for me for most of my life.

And, granted, I am socially challenged. Sometimes thoughtless, sometimes just stupid, but really. You'd think I'd be over this by now. Apparently some things are so ingrained that unlearning them takes a LOT of energy, and may not even be able to be done.

Which bring me back to the question it possible that some realtionships just aren't going to work? Over time I've really started to believe that more. If communication is malfunctioning, how can a relationship work? I believe there a reason I get along better with some types of people than others - not that I can entirely grasp what it is in its entirety, but I've noticed that with certain kinds of people things go sour more easily and I don't always know what to do or how to fix things. And I have so many defense mechanisms that you'd think I was a medieval fortress.

Sometimes my own inner workings and...well, non workings are enough to make me want to avoid people altogether...that sometimes I'd be better off if I was by myself like I was when I was young. Life doesn't really work that way though.

It's difficult to learn how to be social at this age, when I've already been through the trauma of junior high and high school, the freedom and stress of college, the despondency and hard reality that came with the working world....and have been timid, unassertive, afraid and sometimes irresponsible. Just kinda floundering around, not sure what I am, where my place is, and what the hell I want. Here I am, getting closer to some things I think I want, trying to get a better handle on who the fuck I am now that I'm feeling somewhat more stable.

I know I'm someone who jumps on myself too much already, but too many things happen that drive to disliking who I am. I take things to heart too easily, and incorporate them into myself so that they cause me pain from the inside. It's a bad habit like smoking, only there's no patch for it.

playing Slick Idiot - Idiot


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