Thursday, September 26, 2002

Acting class was more fun today, loosened up a little. Still feel odd in there though...and not just because I'm not an actor. I just feel like....I wonder why my life has been such a struggle in finding my place, and why it still seems to be so. I find myself being jealous of the people who have known what they wanted to be from early on. Like the really gung-ho actors (and granted, they are actors and they seem to get a bit overdramatic about their experiences) just go on and on about all these chances they had to pursue what they wanted, and how they always knew from the time they were 5 that they wanted to act, and how much PASSION they have...

Then I look at myself and just feel off kilter. I enjoy a lot of things...although I am hard pressed to say that I am passionate about anything. I LOVE costume, but it's not the be-all-end-all of my existence. I keep thinking that maybe it should be...I am going into the field after all and that's why i'm in school, right?

What am I passionate about? What do I really love so much that I couldn't imagine myself spending a moment without doing? The only thing that comes to me is music and dancing. Anyone who has seen me dance can back me up on that. dancing is also one of the few things that I can be confident about. But, it's not something I will ever do for a living. It's more of an emotional therapy.

I enjoy drawing, and painting, and making webpages, and creating stuff...is it that i do too many things to be passionate about any single one? Is passion and drive the thing that I am still missing and is that what seems to be keeping me from what I should really be doing? Why is it that when someone asks me what I really want to do, that I still hesitate? Why have i always had problems deciding what it is I want? I'm great at letting people know what I don't want.

Maybe it's because so many times, I've felt that what I wanted wasn't important or didn't matter. That wanting things was not really going to get me anywhere. I'm lacking a truly clear idea of what I want, and lacking the passion to drive myself onward from there. Or it could be perhaps that I do know what I want already, but I'm so used to denying what I want because I fear it will be denied to me and perhaps my desires aren't really important anyway.

I know that only I can figure out what I want, but that doesn't make things any clearer at this point in time. There's so many things that I've done because I HAD to, not because I wanted to and perhaps I am lacking the guts to really do what i want because I'm so used to just giving in.

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