Wednesday, September 25, 2002

After all these years, there's some things you'd think I'd be over by now, or phases of my life I'd be done with. One shadow still seems to be following me around though. While I have many friends in this city now, I still have a hard time finding my place among my peers at school. While the year has barely started, I notice the same patterns forming that I had dealt with in all my younger years at school.

I am such a black sheep. I'm the child of two black sheep. I did not have a conventional home life at a young age, I dressed different, and was always shy. I alwyas had a hard time relating to others who were my age, as I had no siblings and a minimum of friends.

While my shyness level has decreased down from river to puddle level, I still have my feet wet. In my few classes, i still seem to play the part of the outcast so well, and in many situations that is still the case. Mind you, I'm not trying to. I just fall into situations where I end up in that role. I'm the only second BA in my division. I'm the only theatre design person in my acting class. Oh, yeah, and I'm the only girl in my school it seems who likes to wear black and has multicolored hair. So I stand out. A LOT.

I speak little in classes, although I am a little more comfortable than I used to be back in grade school. Drives me nuts that everyone seems to know everyone else already. I'm usually the first one to leave a class as everyone else is chatting with their friends on the way out. In an arts related school, I still feel the freak label burning like a big red F (ala scarlet letter). You'd think that wouldn't be the case at an art school, but it was back in the late 90's, and it still is now, apparently.

Even among other goths/rivetheads/what-have-you I still feel outside of a lot of things. Although, as far as the scene is concerned here, I've made a conscious effort to remove myself from the drama. I'd rather stay outside then get involved in all the gossip and backbiting. And, with my track record, there'd be little chance for me to get pulled in too deep anyhow.

I'm frustrated now, because it really is no easier than it was years ago to be myself at this point in time...i just have a better definition of who I am. Acceptance is always another matter. There seems to be two kinds of people for the most part...people who can readily accept me and can see past my outward appearance/weirdness and become very good friends, or those who don't have a clue how to respond to me and either avoid me or misunderstand me consistently and completely. I have yet to figure out how I can influence this kind of thing, or if I can at all.

I enjoy being me, and being different for the most part, but there's always that stupid emptiness stemming from the inability to find my niche. Who knows if i'll ever get over it. At least when i'm elderly people will not be so surprised by my eccentricness. Until then, I'm stuck battling my shyness and self image, and dealing with the uncomfortable search for my place in all of it.


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