Friday, October 04, 2002

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHH. Good god. I am bored. I can count the amount of people who've come into my office today on one hand. It's done nothing but rain all day.

Maybe i should go make copies for a while...I don't know. When I get stuck alone in boring situations like this, I wind up getting depressed and stomping on myself.

I'm trying hard not to venture down that road, but I end up heading in that direction anyhow. I feel like recently, I have turned some people off...not entirely sure how either. I get frustrated with myself for being me quite a bit. I notice that often I am misunderstood...perhaps I am too eccentric for some to grasp the right way. I think some people think I must be stuck up sometimes...and that they mistake my shyness for this. It sucks to feel shy, and when you try to hide it and look like you aren't self conscious, you wind up looking aloof to others I suppose.

I'm not the best at dealing with people. If I was I'd have gone to college to educate myself in a more social field. Instead, I'm this ridiculously moody artist who can't ever decide if it is better to be alone or around people, and can change her mind in a fraction of a second. I'm stupidly idealistic half the time, easily hurt, and prone to doing irrational things for no apparent reason.

People who take me too literally usually wind up being confused by me. I wonder how many times I've been written off as "that freaky chick" - what's wrong with her? by someone. It makes me wonder how I've made as many friends as I have...I know plenty of people who are on my wave length and would do just about anything to help me. How the hell did they figure me out? I don't even know what's going on with me half the time. It's like being on Day Quill for months on end, with injections of caffeine, dessert binges and sleep deprivation. Try and think straight after that. heh.

I know I can't make everyone happy, I just wish there was a way to get through to the people who I tend to be at odds with so we could be on a similar level of commmunication...I hate being misunderstood. I realize that I am probably far too introspective for anyone's good, including my own. Somebody find me the off switch and flip the damn thing.


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