Friday, December 13, 2002

Friday. Is it over yet? Sigh. Mike's at home being a muffin on the couch...called in sick to work.
Had a dream about Jen last night. First one in quite some time, and like the others about her, I'm always lucid at least in a portion of it. Always vivid, and I always know that she's dead and that she's really not supposed to be among my other friends who are alive in my dreams. She always wears white...was very plain, her dress, but bright white, and her hair was twisted/braided in an odd way that I commented on. It's a surprise when she shows up....every time. Other dream characters don't have that effect.

It shouldn't really be any surprise that she's showing up now....she tends to show up when I'm stressed or troubled, and considering what time of year it is. She would have turned 26 next week. Who knows what she would have been doing - singing or theatre I imagine. She's half the reason I'm where I am now, and also the reason I love to barbecue so much.

Sometimes I know that the people in my dreams aren't really the people who they are supposed to be, but when she appears there are so many signs that tell me that her appearance is no mistake. She's checked up on me before. This time, she told me something to the degree of "you're not being yourself". And she's right....I've been struggling with a lot of issues and who I am...trying to figure out what to let go of and what to keep. I've been off kilter for a bit now. I know we spoke of other things...I told her as always that I miss her, and she said she missed me as well.

There was little sadness in the dream - she's not the kind of person you could be sad around for very long. There was more of a joy....like if we met casually on the street after not seeing each other for a few years. I wondered today that if she was still around if we'd still be as good of friends - even with the distance and the time that sometimes takes friends away from you...and I concluded that we would be. Our interests were very similar. I wish she was still around sometimes because i know she'd enjoy going to the clubs with me and meeting some of my other friends. Maybe we wouldn't get to talk as often - I don't keep in touch with people back home the way I should - but if we got together we'd have a billion things to say.

I can't believe it's been six years this month. Christmas was forever affected by what happened to her. I know that my increasing dislike for winter must be related - she died on the first day of winter. The darkest day of the year. Sometimes it's a sad time, but only in tiny portions. I usually end up doing a lot of reflecting around this time. I'm sure I'll be visiting her grave to leave her some fun, silly thing.

Sometimes I do question the validity of the dreams I have...but in the end I know better. I know more or less what Jen believed. If she had something to say to me, she'd find a way. Everyone had dreams about her right after she died. She had a premonition of what was going to happen to her...and for that matter, so did I - I just didn't know what it was.

I will forever be haunted by the whole event...but I find I am coming to terms with her loss. It's more like she's one of those distant friends who only comes into town every few years, but they always give you a call and they never really stop thinking about you. Sometimes I can't help being a little sad, but she was someone who would have much rather you remember all the silly shit she used to do to make you laugh. I think sometimes she must get in my head - I know my sense of humor is a reflection of her too.

now listening to: razed in black remixes

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