Sunday, July 13, 2003

ok, so my blogging abilites are often constipated these days. I'm in the midst if a month long foray into theatre involving high school kids at NHSI. It's a good job, doing costumes for a show with a little tatse of teaching kids how to get along doing the costume thing in the shop.

It's ok for the most part, but I must admit I am still tired from the end of school, and the commute is really wearing on me. An hour and a half each way almost every day, sometimes two hours on the way back. Argh. I'd probably feel better about it if my commute was shorter. Enjoying it for the most part, but I often feel like I just don't fit in. Not fitting in is mormal for me, and you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I'm not. :( Sometimes I feel very welcome, other times I feel only halfway welcome. I'm only doing one show, and it's a pretty easy one to costume...granted I wonder sometimes if maybe the others look down on me because of that? Because I have less to do and they have tons? I don't know. It can be fun but draining, especially considering everything else going on, with wedding plans and so forth. Honestly, I'd be glad when it's over. I need a break...a long period of doing not much but hanging out with people, thinking, revevaluating my life, figuring out where I'm going and how to get there.

Not that this job isn't a valuable lesson, and it's good to know that it's out there and I could probably do it again if I wanted to. Right now, it's tiresome though.

What I really want is to just go to the beach, or hang out with some trees, or go dancing.

It takes effort to feel comfortable there sometimes, that must be part of my tiredness. there are some people who's wavelength I can get on, and others.....I just can't figure out. it's like they put up a wall and I can't seem to look through it or over it. Those kind of people I have a hard time talking to because I really don't know what to say...and I'm terrible at small talk. I'm also not the most social person in the world, unless I'm around people I'm comfortable with. it takes me a long time to make friends....doing so is no small task. And in a group where pretty much everyone knows everyone else from the get-go, it makes it that much more difficult. It took me almost a year to make any friends in chicago, it took a year to make friends at school. Five weeks isn't nearly enough time in any place to make me feel comfortable enough to really befriend someone.

I remember in college when they did the throw everyone together in the dorm situation where you're with a bunch of kids you don't know, that was fairly painful. I'm still pretty shy at times, and for a lot of people- that puts them off.
I eventually had to switch rooms because my roomates were being assholes...for no apparent reason that I could tell besides the fact that they found a reason to not like me.

The friends I do keep are sturdy ones, and even when we don't talk to each other for long periods of time we can still get together and hang out like it was yesterday. I have few close friends, a lot of acquaintences, and no real best friend outside of mike.

Sigh. being social will probably always be hard for me. no matter how good my self esteem is. I'm eccentric. Some people can handle that just fine and not bat an eye. others wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I haven't figured out yet why some people are so excepting of who I am and other seem to think I'm some kind of.....anomaly.
Anomaly is a nice word actually...I kinda like it...

but really. I just don't get it. I wonder some times if it's true that maybe there are some people you will never get along with. But maybe you could if you were put in a specific situation...


so, I'm babbling, I'm lonely. Mike has been out of town ALL weekend, i haven't hung out with anyone else, so I'm a bit sad. Can't get a hold of some people. And now I hear he won't be in til 1am tonight. If I'm not awake to see him I really won't get to tomorrow either, as I'll be at work from early on until 10 at night. :P

Tell me that doesn't suck.

I can only keep myself amused so much...