Friday, August 30, 2002

So I'm a quiz addict. I love those damn little personality thingies and the little pictures. I still have yet to make my own..working on those for my website. After visiting my twin's livejournal (well Miz and I are twins by personality, not genetics), I decided to take a bunch of random quizzes she took so here are the results:

You are a muse.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

Which tarot card are you?

Take This Quiz!

I'm Delirium!
Which Member of the Endless Are You?

And there you have it so far. Gotta finish my Slick Idiot drawing series today. I'll have done 4 drawings total and I hope to get them up this afternoon on the new site. Gotta pack and get ready to visit back home for the weekend. Hope to hit Fado with Kelly before clubbing at the Chamber. NEED TO DANCE. Angst Angst Angst. Is it any wonder I listen to the music that I do. Waiting for the new RIB to get finished, listening to Slick Idiot, enjoying Rammstein and Mesh as well. Blah. Best be off to accomplish stuff.

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

Today has been far more calm thanh yesterday. Granted, I feel like I could fall asleep at any given moment. Spent the day drawing...almost forgot to eat lunch. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy drawing. It's an amazing thing to be able to take a blank piece of paper and cover it with a layer of pencil...and have it look like a face or a scene or an animal, etc.

I get so absorbed in the's more relaxing than sewing (sewing makes me frustrated) and much more expressive. After yesterday's violent blog outburst I'm feeling much better. Dragging a bit, but far better.

A bit sad on the side though.....trying to puzzle out a lot of things. Drawing has brought be back to a part of myself that I'd left behind a long time ago. Kind of going through a re-identification phase. School approaches next month...I'm a little nervous. Have yet to really fit in there. Only been there for one quarter, and I'm wondering if I'm still going to be as excited about theatre as i was going in. I've had a lot to think about over this break I've had. Watching Mike going through his "quarter life crisis" Is making me re-evaluate just about everything. And if that's not enough, I've got wedding planning to think's only a year until the event.

I've got a lot on my mind needless to say. Only now is it beginning to drive me nuts. It seems that as I vent with webpages, I calm myself with art. I have 2 drawings going right now, and they should be done before the end of the week.

I find that I'm more than a little distracted at the moment.... ah well. Time to stop babbling I guess.

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Why are there so many assholes in this world? I fail to understand the mentality of these stupid, destructive, disrespectful people who take advantage of others be it for money or power or sex. I swing back and forth with finding the world both a beautiful and horrible place. It only takes one asshole to have me dwelling on the negative for longer periods of time.

I'm super-pissed off right now. Why is there a need for this kind of behavior to exist? Thousands of years and we have evolved no further and become no better than when we began. We still suffer from war, poverty, slavery, rape, murder, famine and a billion other maladies that are being spread by greedy, self serving, mindless assholes.

There are those, who like me, who don't see the sense in being a mean, greed obsessed, lecherous, power hungry wretch. I'm basically a good person who does my best to try and get through a day while bettering myself. I do my best to be courteous, kind, understanding, caring and giving. Why is it then, that people like me who go out of their way to be kind and generous always get walked over and abused by these ignorant bastards? It is because we're in the way? Is it because we are too nice and too trusting? Is it because we are in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Where do these assholes get the idea that they can get away with the shit that they do? Do they honestly think that it's not going to come back to them eventually? Maybe it won't be me who's making their ass into a sandwich spread, but someone else surely will down the road.That's the hope anyway. Why must bad things happen to good people?

I could spend the rest of my life trying to answer that question. I've asked this question before. This is one of those times when I find that I really despise the way this world is run. I'm sick of all the hatred and fear and stupid twisted shit that goes on. Sometimes I feel like the people who really value life in this world, and the things that really matter are in the minority. People care more about money than love or art or music, or spirituality. Image is valued over substance and diversity of ANY kind, be it race, class, gender, subculture, etc. is still treated as a disease. We can't turn on the TV or radio without products we don't need being forced on us, and if we do manage to watch tv, the programs are full of such banality and lack of intelligence, and rampant with negative images/steerotypes that it's more useful to stab yourself in the head with a salad fork.

I look at our culture and overall I see a morass of wasted talent, lack of focus, overbearing ignorance, and insipid greed...and i really begin to wonder where the hell my place is here and how I'm supposed to make it better. We all have a reason for being here, right? I find it seriously fucking sad that some people's reason for being here involves killing innocent people in the name of a god who doesn't condone killing, or people who think success in life is measured in worthless pictures of dead white presidents, or people who feel the need to take advantage of others because it's easier to get by than to do some work themselves.

It's times like this that I search my soul for some kind of answer to it al. This IS NOT as good as it gets. And I am so tired of seeing mankind make the same damn mistakes century after century and learning absolutely nothing from them. We are not better now than we were back in ancient times because of our technology. Our technology has lessened our patience, and made for a comfort of numbness. So we have little boxes that can project pictures to other little boxes across the planet. We don't have the skill to reconstruct the great pyramids with the mathematical precision that the egyptians did. Even with all our machines, we are so dumbed down and out of touch with ourselves that we couldn't pool enough energy together to even attempt a similar feat in this day and age.

Where am I going with this...I don't know. I'm really pissed off. Had a bad incident happen that triggered this outpouring of venom. This is why I listen to lots of industrial music. This world is a dark place, and sometimes dark music can shed a necessary light. Enough ranting. Where are my frickin CDs.
I have done, for the first time in years, a successfully rendered drawing. I am very pleased with how it turned out. I hadn't touched my art supplies for the longest time because of a severe lack of motivation and depression. Sitting behind a mechanized box doing what is supposedly art for 3 years (i was a graphic artist in the field of publications) IN AN OFFICE literally drained me. I suffocated...I stopped drawing, I stopped dancing, I was barely eating, not sleeping, and i stopped doing webpages as well (that should be a hint right there).

I found that the 9-5 world of corporate hell was not only debilitating but dangerous for me. I wound up getting sick every other month at my last job...and I am someone who rarely gets sick. I was stressed out to the point of having horrible neck pain and I was vaguely suicidal on top of it. All because I'd had 4 years of art/fashion training that was getting me nowhere and I was stuck in a couple of dead end jobs which were about as low on the creative ladder as you could possible get. Graphic art wasn't art to me...and for the most part it still isn't. I was so separated from what I was making. There's a world of difference between picking up a pencil and sketching, as opposed to manipulating a mouse on a screen.

Basically, all I was doing was layout. Just finding existing pictures, proofreading text, picking a font...none of which were particulalry exciting... and putting them together in ads for truck drivers, nurses and salesmen. If you've done one ad for truck drivers, you've already done a lifetime of ads for truck drivers.

I was miserable. And it only took me 2 years to realize I was doing the wrong thing ENTIRELY. So I left to go back to school. And now, in my off-time for school, I have reaquainted myself with all the things I used to love to do like sewing and webpages and drawing. Just knowing that I can still turn out a decent piece even after years of not drawing makes me feel good. I wish I hadn't given it up.

Sunday, August 25, 2002

There's this phenomenon that I like to call the invisible cheesecake. It goes like this. You're hungry. You look in the fridge for something tasty to eat...hoping secretly that maybe there's a piece of cheesecake or something that you've forgotten was in there, and it will be a nice surprise when you find it. Bt all you have in there is pickles and salami and something in tupperware that you are forgetting about on purpose. The cheesecake is non existant. And, while part of you brain knows this, you feel restless and you continue to check the fridge to see if maybe, just maybe, you missed that cheesecake and it's just hiding behind something. But it's not. And yet, you continue to torture yourself and look for the elusive mirage of cheesecake that never was.

While I haven't had this experience with food lately, I have it in other ways. That almost certainty that something is going to happen, come your way, etc. but you're really just fooling yourself. Similar to checking the mailbox in thinking that maybe one of your friends has sent you some kind of cool surprise package, but all you get are bills and those damn aol CDs. The CDs work great as coasters at least. And they are fun to zap in the microwave for a couple seconds.

Sigh. I guess i just wouldn't be me if I couldn't torture myself in some ridiculous manner.

Went to a pretty cool little garage sale yesterday. Punk kids going to school makes for interesting cast off items. While I am not normally one for spiky collars, I picked up a silver glittery spiked collar for $7. I also picked up a working blacklight for $5. Last night I proceeded to test it out by running back and forth and putting anything and everything that had the capacity to glow in front of it. I also picked up a cute blue ring, a dragonfly barrette and a glow in the dark lightswitch plate. Freaks need to have garage sales more often. How many of us really wear/use all the stuff we have? How much more cool would it be if you could cheaply get a hold of neat stuff without having to pay full price for it? Granted, on the internet there's places like the Velvet Garden where you can actually browse through preworn dresses and accessories that people are selling. Problem with that is, you can never be sure that the stuff fits.

I have some friends who do a swap every so often...a bunch of them get together stuff they just aren't wearing, put it all in a pile in the middle of the floor, and then they pick through each other's stuff to see if there's anything they want. What doesn't get taken gets donated. I have also seen postings on some lists about large goth garage sales...but not as often as I'd expect. Goths are clothes hungry people. While many of us are poor, there's some out there who actually go all out to buy new dresses and boots and vinyl stuff...and then they don't wear a lot of it.

A cool idea I just thought of...although I'm not sure it could ever really fly, is a freaky resale shop. Imagine if there was a shop that goths, rivetheads, punks, and club kids could shop at, but everything there was previously owned and donated. If you had some good stitchers on staff, they could rehab some crummier stuff, or even alter something to make it different. Perhaps even sell their own custom stuff along the way. Gothic goodwill. Heh. I'd like to try that.