Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Restless and irked for no apparent reason. Not a good way to enjoy a day off. I wasn't like this the whole day, mind you, but AS the evening has settled in I've gotten more grumpy.

I realize it does little good to complain about the weather, but winter is really unwelcome this year. Because my fingers keep peeling and I can't touch anything with them catching on stuff or cracking, I've taken to putting on lotion and gloves. I stepped it up today with neosporin, as I remember that helped this situation last year. The gloves also keep me from scratching myself so much that I bleed (excema, thanks much). It wouldn't matter if I drank gallons of water, the dry weather makes me miserable. And, seeing as how I am cold blooded, the lack of warmth does little to improve my mood.

You'd think that someone from the midwest would have it down by now about how to survive in this climate and would be more tolerant of the weather.
I can't wait for an excuse to move south.
Snow is pretty. On TV. On someone else's house.
Fuck Winter.
I hereby abolish it. It is now banished to the arctic where it's supposed to be.

Hmmm, so what else is bugging me?

I enjoy my job well enough, I like the people I work with and it is feeding my art habit as well as subsidizing my future "business", but my internal radar has this stupid fucking conditioning programed in that won't leave me alone.
The fact that I'm out of school, and working a job where I could move up eventually, but don't really want to (managers deal with so much shit) is getting under my skin and I want this feeling gone.

At this point in time, I have held 3 full time jobs. All of them have paid me decently. All of them have also caused me stress and unhappiness beyond compare. All of them were what many would consider a "career".

I think I'm going to abolish the word career as well. I'm not sure I believe in careers anymore.

Because of where my talents tend to lie, and the way my body clock works as well as my "work ethic", I basically am not the kind of person who can be raking in any sort of decent wage and survive a work environment outside the house, let alone enjoy what I am doing.

I hate working for other people. I dont' even want to work with other people if I can help it. It is very apparent to me that I am not cut out for the work world (never mind that I can hold down a job just fine and everyone I've worked with always tends to throw praise at me)

I don't believe in work.
Yet I can spend well over 8 hours at home keeping myself busy cranking out journals and paper and other items that I hope to sell in the near future. Why? because it's not WORK. I don't answer to anyone but myself. I can go on breaks whenever I wish (but I don't as often as I should), I can dress like a slob in pajamas, I can eat whatever is around the house, my deadlines are self imposed, there's no one making me answer the phone - oh yeah. And NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND.

I know that running a business takes more than 8 hours. I'm already doing that on my days off from my other job. I'm ok with that.

It helps that I'm motivated, perhaps even to a fault. But what I've noticed most of all is that while I spend hours going back and forth between various projects throughout the day, is I'm actually happy. I feel a sense of accomplishment that no other job has ever given me.

All that said, there's still this stupid nasty little sprite in my ear that says "you don't have a "real" job. You're not accomplishing anything. You're not making enough money. You have no ambition if you don't want to move up and get a real career."

So, I'm sick of this little bitch whispering this shit to me.
First of all, I don't enjoy money, and I don't enjoy working for money, and if that's the prime motivation for doing it, then you can just stick your motivation in a warm dark sticky place and then sit on a pineapple. Keep your materialist conditioning off my lawn.

Second of all, I have plenty of ambition. I just dont' care to kiss up to anyone, or get responsibilities that I don't want dumped on me - especially not in a field that I don't believe in anyhow. (retail namely, though theatre is nucking futs as well)
My ambition comes out in my ART. The fact that I havre the patience to sit down and do what I do for hours is a testament to that. I don't want to be a goddamn Jeff Award winner, or a manager, or a CEO. It's just a fucking title. Another label I don't need.

I don't jive with the traditional career path at all. Isn't that a huge surprise?
I'm fully aware of this. Continuing to do what I do allows far better balance between areas of my life than any of my other jobs ever has.

So whatever! I'll stay at this place for as long as life needs me to, make a bunch of crafty stuff to sell, and still be able to sleep soundly, eat decently, socialize when I choose, take care of house and pets, and still have time for myself at the end of all of this.

So you, you little bitch sprite of capitalist career culture, come over here and let me give you a taste of my boom stick. I don't need to feel bad about what I'm doing just because I'm not doing what the mainstream would like me to do. When have I ever been mainstream?

Retail life during christmas certainly is a trial. I have remained mostly perky with sharp dips of bitchy, but I'm getting worn with the attitudes of some people. There are plenty of nice people, of course, but it seems the ones who want to make your life difficult come out in droves around this time of year. They don't read signs, they don't pay attention to what you're saying, they get huffy at the drop of a hat even if you are trying to help them, they are very cheap (and can afford far more than I'll ever be able to), and they think that you are at their beckoned call.

these people could use a nice holiday enema. Shoot some christmas spirit right up their ass. Christmas is certainly not about YOU getting expensive frames on sale when you didn't read the sign that said the sale was for the weekend and it's monday. Christmas is also not about you treating me as if I am less than you because I'm wearing an apron and a nametag. Christmas is not about YOU.

Would it kill you to treat others with a modicum of compassion, kindness or even courtesy? I haven't ever seen anyone bleed to death from being nice to someone else.


Moral of the story:
Retail job + christmas = bad squared
Bad squared + Bad = not leaving the house.

thank god I have another day off tomorrow.