There are not enough words to say how exhausted I am. My week degraded from hopeful cheer to annoyance to frustration to anger to near despair, and has resulted in something very much like a hangover, but I have no alcohol to blame.

I am so burnt, and so tired, just trying to make time for things I need to do to keep myself sane, or take care of the house and Mike and the pigs. The last two months have been hell, and I had hoped that most of the crap would have subsided last month.

On friday I was still tired and angry from thursday even though I got ten hours of sleep, I was stuck on register, had to train someone new, had to cut a million squares of board for some lady who could have easily done it herself with a fucking knife, and spent the rest of the day trying to clean up things and avoid people until this arguing mother daughter team soaked up at least a half hour of my time and then had to put all the items i tried to help them pick out on hold.

I've wanted nothing more than to be left alone to just get rid of all my anger, frustration that gets built up, but I've got to put on a fucking face at work so I can properly deal with people.

Timing for all this has been horribly poor. That night I had planned to come home and sit down before sweeping up our supposedly smelly front steps that we never use, and I suppose if you're offended by the smell of dust, if you can smell it, it might have bothered you. Our downstairs neighbor has a supersensitive nose, from what I can tell, and was informed us of this as well as the fact that we apparently forgot to lock the outside door a couple days back.

While I can understand about the door (we're always as careful as we can be), we make mistakes. We don't exactly mean to do this kind of stuff, and the tone she used felt like the kind that your mom might use when you disobey, or the condescending kind I have to deal with at work.

To hear that first thing when i was barely awake, and then to have nothing but crap all day doesn't make me want to be around anyone.

Instead of sweeping up, I decide to sit first, and find that mike's brother Rob had left a message that he forgot the directions to our place (never mind that he's been here twice already). I care very little about this. Then my mom calls, and tells me that because bank of america, much like other companies, can't do the jobs alloted to them and that I have to go to a bank on the south side of the city to pick up a fax copy of some documents they need so they can complete their other paperwork and stay in mexico. they should have had these documents 2 months ago. they were supposedly sent to us. They never got here.

Mike finally gets home. we order pizza. Rob gets in. we eat around 9 and i go to bed not long after.

I don't sleep much or well.

I get up the next morning (yesterday) at 7:45 because our alarm is going off at 8 so we can get both schrapnel and connor to the vet at 9. We're leaving Rob alone in the house while we're gone. So we have a vet visit, an eye appointment scheduled at 2 for both me and mike because my piece of shit glasses are 10 years old and are cracked everywhere, and inbetween those we have to call this south side bank and hopefully pick up these faxed documents.

We spend 2 hours at the vet. Connor is fine. Schrapnel comes home with more pain meds, has to up his reglan intake to twice a day, has to have some critical care to put on more weight, and has an ulcer on his eye because of getting hay or hay dust in it, so we've got ointment to smear on his eye and now it's cloudy. (he can still see)

Traffic is crappy.

We get home, drop off pigs. Rob is sharpening all our knives and is going to make onion soup. We have to pick up more broth and french bread.

I call the bank. they have the faxes. I can pick them up. I have to ask for Raphael. it's like a drug deal. We figure it should take long.

Bullshit.

The bak is on 26th street smack in the middle of pilsen. we ask for raphael. He's with a customer. they write my name down. We sit for about a half hour. Raphael is doing a mortgage, they tell me he's gonna be busy and ask what it is I came for. I get my documents. We leave. traffic blows a million goats. We still need to hit jewel and fedex these documents, but it's now getting to be 2, when our eye appointments are.

We go to jewel. Mike drops me off at Pearle. he drops off food with rob and walks back.

We have our eye appointment. Mike's pupils are dilated and everything is too bright. i'm leading him along the sidewalk. we get in. we eat soup. Rob's soup is really good, even if he's not my favorite person. It's 3:30. that was the first food we had all day.

Rob wants to get out of the house, he's been cooped up all day. Can't blame him. But, I'm exhausted and Mike is half blind. We decide on a movie, that should suit everyone. I medicate the pig. we go to kinko's first to fedex the documents. For once our timing doesn't suck because the fedex pickup was late.

We go see World trade Center. it was the most relaxed I'd been all week. Mike pops out both contact lenses during the movie and we have to call an usher to find them afterward. He finds them, washes them, puts them back in.

We go home, i medicate the piggy. again. I give the pig some paste. Schrapnel likes the paste, thank god. he eats it off my finger.

we decide on thai for dinner. we eat dinner. It's around 10. I'm asleep not long after that.

I wake up too early this morning (7:45) AGAIN and decide to try and craft.

I feel like i have a hang over.

I've so had it with everything.

I haven't had a moment's rest this summer. I have another pig appointment this saturday, I tentative dress fitting (I haven't even had time to work on the dress since last time so i'll have to today or tomorrow because I can't get anything done during the week), and there is at least one party I know of that I said i may attend.The party will have to go. I can't do all this.

I'm going to look into telecommuting jobs to see what I can find because I can't see myself staying at my job for the length of time i had hoped to, and I'm tired of having an hour long commute on 2 buses and a train (two hours total).

I'm done. No more.
Mike and I are planning a "vacation" in a couple weeks, in which we're staying in town because we can't afford to go anywhere. We're taking off five days to just hang around and do stuff we always want to do but never have time for - like actually living and relaxing, eating right and getting decent sleep.

Five days isn't anywhere near enough, but it's all I've got.

All i know is I need for things to change. I'm done with this. DONE.