Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Yeah, so I haven't blogged in almost six months. it's a trend that has continued throughout other areas of my life as well.

And, of course, when I finally do blog, there's likely to be a depressing stream of bile, vitriol or tears. What else is new.

Why am I bothering? Because I'm bothered. I'm here on what should be a fun respite from school work that has completely absorbed my life for almost a whole year, and just can't seem to enjoy my time. Whether I'm sabotaging myself or just generally plagued by anxiety is hard to tell, becuase everything in general just seems to be a total blur. I simultaneously want to do everything and nothing all at once. I'm motivated but not. I'm tired but force myself to be active. I'm mood swingy in a way that roller coasters aspire to be.

And, worst of all, I'm facing the age old nemesis of finding a job and I still haven't gotten past the old emotional hopelessness that had plagued me in the past. It's pissing me off.

yeah, so this time I have a part time job that actually is related to what I do, but it's not enough and I won't get paid until it's done with. While I'm glad to have it, I seem to be up to my ankles in self doubt about it...never mind the rising waters of self doubt that threaten whenever I send out another resume or peruse the want ads.

How do I get past this? This is so stupid, so ridiculous. I know I'm not a patient person. In certain situations, I've found I have infinite patience, but when it comes to this kind, I'm nothing but neurotic.

It seems the only immediate calls I get are the ones saying "Sorry, but we have nothing for you right now" or "When the right opportunity comes along, we'll let you know." The second statement being basically the euphemistic version of the first.

I've been sending out resumes for graphic design stuff, as I am still capable of doing such things part time. And, funny, now that I could take such a job part time...there's not much to be had. So I'm sending stuff to placement agencies that represent "The best talent out there." Why do statements like that make me so self conscious?

Perhaps, as usual, I am looking in the wrong place. I still have recpetionist type jobs to try, and have started looking, but I'm not a career receptionist so I can't be expected to type 1400 words a minute, I've only had college reception experience.

There's the part of me that's going "You're taking this too fucking seriously. It's a part time job for God's sake. it's not the be all end all of your life. Shut up and enjoy this break while you have it instead of crying."

Sure, I will. As soon as someone helps me find the blasted leaky faucet of doubt and hopelessness that's flodding my mental basement with old sewage.

I'm not in bad shape, but I'm really frustrated.
it's just difficult to do this kind of thing when you know that 85% of the jobs out there you are not able to do because of skill, personality, etc. And I know that I keep looking in the wrong places. Ok. Where's the right place then?!!!! Somebody get me a goddamn map and point out the rest stop because I have to pee like a racehorse.

This is one of those times when I wish I was someone else with someone else's skills, who could stand working in an office or as a waitress and not care that they'd rather be making corsets at home like I've been doing. Being an artist sucks. It's what I am, hands down, but it sucks. And, being an artist you are so pressured to be competitive. I'm 28, but I still feel miles behind other artists who are my age in many ways because i haven't had the right experience. And how do you get it? by knowing the right people and being in the right place at the right time.

yes, I am better at this than usual because of where I decided to go to school. But, nonetheless, I am still having difficulties. My timing as a rule is shoddy, and my connections are few at the moment.

Maybe this is a lot to make of somehting as simple as a stupid part time job for the summer, but for once I'd like to find somehting more than then usual stupid part time job I tend to get stuck with. Jobs have been the bane of my existence for the most part. I don't cope well with having to earn money in order to exist. It's taken me about 12 years to find a job that even on the bad days I still liked what I was doing, and the only reason I'm faced with this annoyance is because the shop isn't open in the summer.

So I wait. Patience Patience. I'm supposed to sit here and know that I'll be taken care of somehow and somehow ignore the gnawing insecurity that I've been conditioned to feel whenever I'm not busy doing something.

See, it's no wonder it's difficult for me to relax. It's always been "you've gotta do this NOW!" "When are you gonna.." and then piles of projects on top of me, both from others and myself. Then, when those who have told me I have to do this that and the other thing have the gall to say RELAX, I want to set things on fire.

You teach me to run around like a chicken with my head cut off and now you're telling me to relax??!!

How do I get past this.

If I surf online all day, or avoid doing chores for a day, or take a long nap when I've gotten what should be a full night of sleep, or wander aropund the house doing random things of no consequence, that makes me feel lazy.
I've got at least 5 million projects that i could be working on or finishing....why do I feel like doing none of them?

Because it feels like work. Because I am now prodding myself to do all kinds of stuff to avoid being "lazy".

Fuck lazy. I'm tired.
Tired but driven to do stuff by my own personality.
How do I get past this.

I wish I could have the confidence to just sit back and know that things will work out, to say "Ok, so none of the leads I'd found are any good. I'll just move on and think of something else eventually."

You'd think I'd learn. things have always work out for me somehow. Why is it so difficult to see that and remember than worrying does me no good? In fact, worrying wastes time- for real. More time than being lazy does.

But telling yourself that and then believing it and acting on it are different things. Which is why I need a lobotemy because my brain is really pretty useless as far as helping me through this kind of thing. Thinking isn't the asset we chalk it up to be.
Which, is why, in turn I keep myself busy, to avoid thinking.
Thusly, the vicious cycle.