Friday, December 19, 2003

This is me blogging.
It's painfully apparent, being that I haven't blogged in a MONTH that I haven't had much time to do anything not related to work or school. The times when I do have some downtime I find myself so unmotivated, or sad or just plan tired or bored.

It's a pain to even have to feel that way...and I never quite know how to deal with it. There is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, however. Although being stuck at a weekend job that utterly has vanquished any spare time I might have had, I have not much time left that I really have to be there, as I plan to announce my quitting this weekend...although I should have announced it yesterday or today. I'm getting more hours at school this coming semester, doing something I really like more anyway, it's more convenient, PLUS, we're moving into a bigger apartment for the same price.

So a lot is going on, mostly for the better. While I'm on "break" now, i still have a large project to do plus research for Othello and plenty of neglected chores that have been piling up over the past months. It's a good thing we're moving, otherwise I'd never be able to find the impetus to clean.

So, slowly, i'm stripping away the things that annoy me, that don't belong to me and I'm heading on to better and more fun things. At the moment, I'm exhausted though. Change is good, although painful, and the onset of change is such a tiresome thing.

Recently, in my search for truth, as I call it, I decided to do away with being a member of several online groups i had been in before and had complained about. They honestly weren't benefitting me anymore. There was no more truth to be found in them, just the same old hackneyed garble that gets mentioned and rementioned every month once someone forgets about what they were previously talking about, the same old issues with people reveling in others faults over the pretense of something good...

you know, the usual list bullshit.

I got sick of people talking the talk and not walking the walk. I don't enjoy talking until my feet fall asleep, thank you.

Been taking a good look at myself, watching my dreams, and so on. Lately, been having lots of nightmarish/disturbing imagery - death, gore, people attacking me, people I know going crazy, mixed in with really nice images of unicorns, white horses, the sphinx/pyramids, flying, magic...etc. I know stress has something to do with it, but not all of it is stress. Attempting currently to figure out the symbols.

Intense change. that's the heart of it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that i'll be 28 soon. I heard something about every 7 years in your life being important or strange for some reason. This time seems to be proving no different so far.

I'm dropping so many of the labels I used to indetify with, including Goth. I dropped that one a while ago. Labels tend to fit me like an oven mitt fits an ostrich. They work for a while, until the ostrich gets its head stuck in a fence and pulls it right off.

Fuck labels. I knew inside a long time ago that labels were meaningless, but only recently has that feeling really rung true. All the things I used to call myself I cannot be, yet they are a part of me. So I am no one thing. To quote OGHR, I'm not anyone.

everything and nothing. I had a dream that Romell wrote me something on a wall that said "always be true to yourself."

After that, things started happening.

I've come across all kinds of stuff in the search for myself and the search for truth. I've realized my stance on religion, reincarnation, spirtuality, the way people treat each other, my views on art and music...

All the stuff that I'd been looking to the outside for has always been inside to begin with. DUH. I've always known more than I was willing to let myself. I've always needed reassurance from the outside, and I must admit at times I still do, even if I know what is right.

Life is a strange bag of potatoes. I question often what the hell I'm doing here and what I am...but I find most of the time that I'm proud of what I am and become and am still becoming. I fall down a lot but I still get back up.

At heart, the only words that still fit me are two that are very closely related. Only one can be even considered a label, but I feel there's too much truth about it on the inside. I'm an artist. I'm DRIVEN to create things. It's damn annoying. I can't go for a moment without thinking about something I want to draw or paint or write or's sick how many ideas I have. That part of me is nothing I will ever be able to deny or get rid of. It's just there. it was always there.

The other word is the name that most people don't know me by unless they email me and I don't know them, or they are in an online group with me, or if they have artwork signed by me.


It's gaelic for other or another. I got it in a dream, and it's one of the few words or symbols other than my given name that I have ever identified with. it seems to some up more often than I'd like, how I feel in general. I'm something else, someone else outside the norm. I am myself and there is no denying or hiding how painfully different I always will feel so I'd better accept it.

I'm a bit tipsy right now. Perhaps that will make this entry that much more inspired.

Hmm...i seem to have said all i needed to.

Well, in any case, at least I've blogged again and gotten some bile out of my throat. I can feel a lot is headed my way. If i can just get some fricking rest so I can get back to doing things like finishing my wedding website, redoing my radio show, Christmas gifts, clothing designs...etc.

yeah, rest would be nice.