Friday, November 23, 2007

It's ironic that I am typing this rant on the computer, because I've realized just how much I hate technology and machines.

I've been going for 2 months without my(regular) computer because HP apparently can't build anything that actually works. Because so much of my artwork/ images/business stuff (not to mention the personal pictures and other things) were on there, it's been very crippling to me at what is the busiest time of the year for me.

We bought a backup hardrive- an external one, because we figured we should backup all the stuff we could while the machine was still vaguely functional.

2 months later, I've been failed again. Happy thankgiving.

So after a lot of tears and angst, I have nothing left but the hope that some of the thing I didn't manage to squeeze onto a flash drive are still in existence on my old machine, which needs a new mother board, and likes to resist all attempts at being repaired so far, merely by its pure aura of malice.

What I have learned from this debacle, is that I hate machines. Moreso, that I hate helplessness even more. I thought that people annoyed me. And trust me, they do. they do all manner of crazy, stupid and thoughtless things. Many times they do these things without thinking.

But machines don't even have the option to think on their own. They are faceless, soulless, impersonal, non caring. They don't even care that they break. they don't care that you are dependent on them.

I despise how much I've found myself dependent on a machine. By my nature, and by my experience, i have deliberatly become very DIY in my life because so many times I have been let down by others who were supposed to help- usually teachers. I dislike being dependant on anyone when I could just find a way to do it myself- especially if I know I could do the task just as well or better.

it's the times when I know that I am powerless that this awful frustration, sadness, and anger sets in, because no matter what I might do, I am helpless to do anything. If you think my trust in people has been misplaced, then multiply that by the thousands and apply that to machines.

People have flaws. It's a fact. Machines do also, but that's not how we advertise them. that's not how our inner conception of them goes. Whether or not we know they may break down, our expectation of them goes further towards perfection because they can do things that we cannot, faster and better and in a more convenient way.

But these machines that we tout and build and upgrade, that we worship as the pinnacle of out civilization, as the height of our achievement, were built my flawed humans. Therefore, they are subject to our flaws, and can never live up to the expectation we put upon them to function as we think they should. There's the saying that technology is great when it works. When it doesn't, it's just as bad as a dysfunctional human, if not worse depending on the task. Machines that were built by morons, will eventually behave like morons. They are only as good as the minds who made them. And whose mind is perfect?

I must say I have more than a bit of contempt for those in our society who put our technology on such a high pedestal. For all the good these machines are supposed to bring us, they bring more complications in a life that is already too full of other tangles.

I've been trying to make my life simpler in every way possible, and I must say that my machine issues are causing more stress, inconvenience and emotional trauma than I need at the moment.

This feeling has extended back into my forays with sewing machines. My frustations have left many a dent from flying scissors and bruises on my hands from taking out my anger on it. if the machine was a person, it would have left me long ago. But it can't feel a thing. it still runs. it doesn't care one bit that I'm angry at it.

And this is where the helplessness gets the worst. it can't apologize. it doesn't acknowledge me one iota. there's nothing worse than being so frustated at a faceless impersonal object, and trying to impress your feelings upon it. If you were in an argument with a person, you can at least illustrate your feeelings and get a reaction that is satisfying- whether it be good or bad. You've at least been heard and acknowledged. I would never deliberatly hit a person or say something horrible to them, no matter how bad the situation, because i know I have another living being's feeling to take into account, and the reflection of my own actions.

I get so angry at machines because they can't feel. they are making my life miserable and they can't realize they are doing something wrong. So I have this awful tendency towards wanting to commit physical violence on them, or other objects in the surrounding area. So things often go flying.

I don't enjoy this. i never have. I have a very bad temper when its aroused. few have witnessed it and there's a good reason for it. While people have incited it, they have never come close to the level of sheer anger that objects and machines have. The helplessness I feel when faced with a misbehaving impersonal object is magnified. I'm an ant under a glass lens in the sun.

I've learned that this horrible feeling of helplessness has been one of my main plagues for years. it extends beyond machines to situations, most often it was in many job situations, and to a certain extent is in my present job, but in a different form ( I'm also on a computer, so naturally, this makes sense).

I despise feeling helpless. i hate being helpless more than I hate (if I even do) the worst person on the face of the planet. And I can't say that I hate anyone. I dislike people. I hate feeling helpless.

Getting past it is my most recent lesson, and it's a struggle, especially given the time of year with what I could should and would be doing right now. It's that I need to find a distraction, something to shift my gears onto something else to get away from this suffocating feeling until something can be rectified.

therein lies the problem. Most things that I do these days, involve either art or the computer, neither of which I have any appetite for at the moment. So, I'm searching my memories and thoughts for an answer. Another thorn in my foot in this situation is that I realized I don't really have any hobbies - nothing to take me away from my usual grind. Most things that were hobbies have become work (ahem, anything art related)

I don't haveany solution for the problem of the distraction. I don't like TV, not much for movies. I don't really read much(except on the computer) and it's too close to work sometimes to be palatable. I like getting out and getting exercise, but I wouldn't call that hobby. I used to like to take pictures- heh. digital pictures. never mind that.

So it's going to be a while until I can come up with something to distract my "rage against the machine. "

HA. ha. ha. screw you. i'm trying not to be completely depressed about this.

So really, it's not the machines that are at the heart of my problem, it's the helplessness forced upon me by faceless impersonal forces that have little concern for my situation. The machines are merely an agent.

There is also a lesson about impermanence here. I don't really feel like anything I make or take pictures of and try to save mechanically is every really "safe" from being lost. Nothing is permanent anyway, but I can no longer put my trust in an inanimate object to preserve something important to me. it was silly to do so to begin with.

I realize that everything will eventually fade away. one never expects it to come quite so quickly after buying a faulty piece of machinery that is supposed to protect against the very thing it is now doing to you.

I'm going to end by saying that the people who think that someday machines will rise up, be sentient, and take over the world have completely forgotten situations like this.

Maybe my hobby should be to learn how to use an abacus. or maybe I'll just start carving stone arrowheads. sounds appealing right about now.