Yeehah. Here I am, performing my civic duty as a college student to eat ramen noodles. I spent most of my lunch hour in futile search for a book in the student bookstore.

The line of students waiting at the register went all the way around the store....I'd only visited the store on time previous to today, and I'm pretty sure that those are the same students I saw waiting in line last year. I couldn't find what I wanted anyway, and so I just gawked at the store full of victims and left.

I'm very sick of MSN news....I get the MSN page everytime I sign out of my hotmail, and I want to strangle myself with the mouse every time I see what kind of drivel ridden headlines and stories they have on there. Any person with half the intelligence of a stale cupcake and has a grain of common sense doesn't even have to click the links to know how inane the articles are. And, from the look of it, the MSN can't seem to come up with anything much at all as I've seen the same few stories circling around the site like drugged buzzards.

So, I've decided that down the line, amongst all my other web parodies, I should do one of MSN's home page. I think is is beyond called for. And, someday, maybe I'll do the fake email page I'd been pondering too, as if you were reading someone's junk mail.

Yes, trauma is upon me if i am musing the web possibilities that lay before me. argh.

Friday Friday Friday...MONSTER TRUCK RALLY AT THE.....oh wait. Never mind.

Yeah. I'm in one of THOSE moods. If I were a mood ring I'd be plaid with purple paisley accents and orange stripes.

It's bad enough that I had this awful donut craving for the last couple days. I used to work at a donut shop for about a year and a half or so during high school. One of the most annoying jobs I ever had. Not only did I have to wake up at 5 something in the morning to walk to work and get there at 6am, but i had to wear this awful shade of peach pink and with beige pants, because everything turned that color after spending hours making the donuts.

Making the donuts entailed jamming them onto these little spindle spikes that would squirt assorted fillings into them. And refilling the fillings was not appetizing...who wants to slop around blobs of jelly or cream from a bucket with a spatula? The raspberry jelly looked like something left over from a botched operation. Then there was the frosting of donuts, which we did WITH OUR FINGERS, and I got burned often from the chocolate frosting.

Aside from making the donuts, I had to be cheerful and serve people coffee, all starting at 6am on weekends after having gotten up early for school everyday during the week. Is there really any question why I hate sunrise now and how I developed insomnia?

Never mind the joy I experienced having to work with this enormous, scary german lady named Trudi, who yelled at me for not counting the change in the drawer the way she did, and yelled at me for putting too many papers under the donuts, and made me serve the raving lunatics who would leave a pile of donut shavings and coffee sludge on the counter for me to clean while she talked to old men by the dishwasher for a half hour - making it difficult for me to continue cleaning because her butt was blocking the entire door.

So, when I'd get home in the afternoon, I'd reek of donuts, and the smell wouldn't come out even after a shower. My white shoes would be beige.

Scarred for life? Yes. Donuts have been unappealing to me ever since..but every so often - I'll get a craving. Kinda like the Taco Bell or White Castle craving. The donuts speak to me, and I must eat them to silence their cruel tauntings. So yesterday, after the wafting fingers of donut stench had driven me past my limits of already fragile sanity, I bought some of those evil pastries and devoured them with the remorse of a rabid cheetah.

I am now going to go eat a nice bagel with cream cheese. And, with luck, my mood will stabilize some. heh. yeah.

Acting class was more fun today, loosened up a little. Still feel odd in there though...and not just because I'm not an actor. I just feel like....I wonder why my life has been such a struggle in finding my place, and why it still seems to be so. I find myself being jealous of the people who have known what they wanted to be from early on. Like the really gung-ho actors (and granted, they are actors and they seem to get a bit overdramatic about their experiences) just go on and on about all these chances they had to pursue what they wanted, and how they always knew from the time they were 5 that they wanted to act, and how much PASSION they have...

Then I look at myself and just feel off kilter. I enjoy a lot of things...although I am hard pressed to say that I am passionate about anything. I LOVE costume, but it's not the be-all-end-all of my existence. I keep thinking that maybe it should be...I am going into the field after all and that's why i'm in school, right?

What am I passionate about? What do I really love so much that I couldn't imagine myself spending a moment without doing? The only thing that comes to me is music and dancing. Anyone who has seen me dance can back me up on that. dancing is also one of the few things that I can be confident about. But, it's not something I will ever do for a living. It's more of an emotional therapy.

I enjoy drawing, and painting, and making webpages, and creating stuff...is it that i do too many things to be passionate about any single one? Is passion and drive the thing that I am still missing and is that what seems to be keeping me from what I should really be doing? Why is it that when someone asks me what I really want to do, that I still hesitate? Why have i always had problems deciding what it is I want? I'm great at letting people know what I don't want.

Maybe it's because so many times, I've felt that what I wanted wasn't important or didn't matter. That wanting things was not really going to get me anywhere. I'm lacking a truly clear idea of what I want, and lacking the passion to drive myself onward from there. Or it could be perhaps that I do know what I want already, but I'm so used to denying what I want because I fear it will be denied to me and perhaps my desires aren't really important anyway.

I know that only I can figure out what I want, but that doesn't make things any clearer at this point in time. There's so many things that I've done because I HAD to, not because I wanted to and perhaps I am lacking the guts to really do what i want because I'm so used to just giving in.

Mike called in sick today...wish I could have stayed home too. :P My back is all tense...AGAIN. I so don't want to be at school today. I feel a bit too cranky to loosen up for basic acting today. Drowning my angst in my Mesh CD at present...not sure what else to do just yet. Blech.

Heres comes the mood swing, wrapping itself around the top bar of the swingset again. In the playground of life, i feel like burying myself in the sandbox and covering my head with a plastic pail. Or perhaps catapulting small forest creatures with the use of the teeter-tauter.

snarl.

After all these years, there's some things you'd think I'd be over by now, or phases of my life I'd be done with. One shadow still seems to be following me around though. While I have many friends in this city now, I still have a hard time finding my place among my peers at school. While the year has barely started, I notice the same patterns forming that I had dealt with in all my younger years at school.

I am such a black sheep. I'm the child of two black sheep. I did not have a conventional home life at a young age, I dressed different, and was always shy. I alwyas had a hard time relating to others who were my age, as I had no siblings and a minimum of friends.

While my shyness level has decreased down from river to puddle level, I still have my feet wet. In my few classes, i still seem to play the part of the outcast so well, and in many situations that is still the case. Mind you, I'm not trying to. I just fall into situations where I end up in that role. I'm the only second BA in my division. I'm the only theatre design person in my acting class. Oh, yeah, and I'm the only girl in my school it seems who likes to wear black and has multicolored hair. So I stand out. A LOT.

I speak little in classes, although I am a little more comfortable than I used to be back in grade school. Drives me nuts that everyone seems to know everyone else already. I'm usually the first one to leave a class as everyone else is chatting with their friends on the way out. In an arts related school, I still feel the freak label burning like a big red F (ala scarlet letter). You'd think that wouldn't be the case at an art school, but it was back in the late 90's, and it still is now, apparently.

Even among other goths/rivetheads/what-have-you I still feel outside of a lot of things. Although, as far as the scene is concerned here, I've made a conscious effort to remove myself from the drama. I'd rather stay outside then get involved in all the gossip and backbiting. And, with my track record, there'd be little chance for me to get pulled in too deep anyhow.

I'm frustrated now, because it really is no easier than it was years ago to be myself at this point in time...i just have a better definition of who I am. Acceptance is always another matter. There seems to be two kinds of people for the most part...people who can readily accept me and can see past my outward appearance/weirdness and become very good friends, or those who don't have a clue how to respond to me and either avoid me or misunderstand me consistently and completely. I have yet to figure out how I can influence this kind of thing, or if I can at all.

I enjoy being me, and being different for the most part, but there's always that stupid emptiness stemming from the inability to find my niche. Who knows if i'll ever get over it. At least when i'm elderly people will not be so surprised by my eccentricness. Until then, I'm stuck battling my shyness and self image, and dealing with the uncomfortable search for my place in all of it.

Heather sent me this 1950's article....after reading it i realize why we have so many feminists out there.

So anyhow, I woke up sad and cranky this morning. Waking up will do that. Trying to get comfy in my classes today...now i'm just kinda....EHhh instead. It's hard for me to get used to change, as much as I like variety. Some things are just more comfortable. It's getting past simply being comfortable and afraid of losing it that I'm still working on.

I need to pick up around our place. It's getting trashed and we have dinner guests for saturday. Of course, guests are always a good impetus to clean. Good thing we have them, or else we might live in a sty. Eventually I get sick of tumbleweed size hairballs following me around like housepets and I sweep though.

Perhaps I might have some costume related stuff waiting in the wings for me. I need to get more involved and I want to get more involved, but starting is the hard part...knowing where and when. Connections are always good. That's why I'm here, to make connections. I'm a bit worried though, as i haven't done any design work yet. I'm only beginning to take the costume class even though i have a strong fashion background. I feel like my greenness will be a hinderance or prevent me from getting something somehow. Just kinda scary, but I'd like for someone to see what I do and appreciate it.

I guess i just have to wait and see...and hope that something will turn up. I'm expecting at least one call for an interview or something.

Our society is so bent on instant gratification. Everything now, everything easy. Quality and variety take a backseat to immmediacy anymore. Because of this, and because of my observations of the prepackaged food industry, I have come up with a theory about the future of our food. Eventually, all food will be manufactured in the shape of toast so it can easily fit in the toaster. Everything. Steak, lettuce, ice cream, milk, everything. after all, it's insanely easy to just pop things into the toaster...if you can get past the agonizing 30 sec. wait for the damn thing to pop up. (Web pages load faster than toasters work...perhaps our wonderful technology can improve that)

I have also determined, after having noticed the amount of food products that come in flavors totally unrelated to the actual product, (buffalo wing flavored potato chips) that all food is going to taste like pizza. Few people dislike pizza...it's such a universal flavor. In order to get kids to eat the new age toast , it needs to be a bright color, so it will be dyed blue. Blue is a popular color for food these days, as now you can not only get slurpies and butter in this color, but french fries as well.

Essentially, this blue, high tech, pizza flavored toast lump will be made of tofu and unsaturated fat, to quell the health concerns of the general public so cholesterol will no longer be and issue...plus, it will bridge the food gap between your average meat eating human and vegans.

So there you have it..a politically correct, colorful, chunk of fast food matter that will be easy to distribute and could very well end the problem of world hunger.. But what should we name it?

Hmmmmm.....

ah... how easy. I know. How about "SMURF".

I'm awake. That, in itself, is a travesty. Didn't sleep too well. The weather is messing with me. While I enjoy these temperatures, I'm having trouble adjusting to them.

I'm hoping I slip into the groove of school pretty soon....I'm kinda fighting it (mostly due to tiredness).

The month is almost over...eeek. October will surely be busy...lots of shows coming up, new CDs being released, and parties/get togethers are on the way. Our social schedule has been filling up every weekend - which is nice. Finally we've found a group of friends here and I think at present they outnumber the amount of people we know back home.

I know I should be excited about my own wedding but i seriously dread the planning of it. And i'm someone who loves to throw parties. we have less than a year. I have to make my dress, find someplace for the reception, find a wedding location, find a minister...basically nothing is done. Both of us are just lazy in the planning department. I am just not much for the pomp and ceremony of it all...especially being put on display. I'm usually not too comfortable in any kind of spotlight.

Blech. My back is hurting again. It actually stopped for a couple days. Maybe after this week goes by I'll feel better and be on top of things again.

First day of classes....I've made it through despite feeling exhausted from the weekend's adventures. Today I had the bulk of my classes: theatre history, design studio and costume design. I hope to get friendlier with some of the people in my division, I don't know enough of my classmates. Costume design is small, which is good in my opinion and makes it easier for me to speak out and be myself more instead of resulting to shyness. I already have a couple assignments, but nothing huge and they are more fun then last year's lighting and drafting trauma.

The Island party was fun...I hate coming down off of parties like that. Mike did make it, also, which made it that much better. At first I wondered if it was going to be one of those uncomfortable situations where I didn't know too many people and I'd feel like a 16th wheel or something...I was nursing my pear cider while listening to a few of the people on the porch talk about the scene and other people in it...kinda blah in my opinion. I'm not much of a gossip and I care little for it. i have my thoughts on the scene...there's people i will and won't get involved with. The less drama, the better. It wasn't long before Bill decided to show mw the DJ equipment, so I pulled out my CDs and got a nice lesson. I wound up DJing for several hours on my first try, which was fun as i figured out well enough what I was playing, and how much time I had in between songs to dance. I must have done a decent job as i got several compliments, and a few people complained I played too many songs that they liked.. I'd like to DJ again at some point. :)

So, I certainly got my exercise. Didn't eat much in the way of snacks, and made some kind of scary mixed drink that made me all wonky. Later on in the wee hours of the morning, after my fingers were pried off the DJ equipment, Mike was very drunk and he and some others of us decided to explore the island we were on...in the dark. We plodded through some wet ground and avoided logs and tree branches to find a lookout point. We ended up cramming ourselves on the edge of some rocks and logs and staring out at the water. Our friend Glenn fell in the water however...thank god it wasnt very deep. He got soaked though and spent the rest of our time there running around in his boxers while he pants were left to dry on the statue of Mary in the side yard.

The house on the island was built in 1880's or so, from what bill said. Very cool place with twisty stairs. Well water though. Blech. There were a number of bedrooms, and a large room with cots in it on a screened porch. We managed to get there early enough to get our own room....which had a bathroom as well! Slept decently too, better on those boingy mattresses than on my mattress at home. There was a slight wombat adventure...I brought my stuffed wombat, Dizzy, and set her on the dresser in my room. Apparently, some drunk party goers thought she was cute and kidnapped her for a bit, then passed out and weren't sure why a stuffed wombat was in their room. I was upset that someone had messed with stuff at first, but wound up amused after I heard that Kym had gone looking for it and asked some of my sleeping friends if they had seen a wombat.

We woke up after 6 hours of sleep, had a DIY breakfast and flopped around on the furniture for most of the day. I ventured out onto the dock to see the island in the light. we explored the cupola and got a glimpse of the lovely lakescape. We stopped on the porch to gawk at a couple cute little bats that were trying to sleep in the ceiling crevices, several people got pictures. One of our friends also got an picture of me...looking like I'm channleing a ghost as some strange bluish swirl was coming up from my hand where there shouldn't have been one. I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was one, the house is old enough and feels as such.

We divied up the remaining food and cleaned up after hours of lounging and wandering about, then piled on the boat to go to shore. The boat ride was short, but nice. We were driven all the way around the island so we could get a view of the house. once docked, we packed our cars and drove forth to Mars Cheese Castle, which was stocked full of cheese, mustard, candy, and assorted cow kitsch. I got myself some cherry wine cheese spread and some of those buttered popcorn jelly beans. mmmmmm.

It was a great party overall, and we got to meet some new people that we'd heard about previously. I was exhausted on the drive back, and went to bed early. It's apparent that I need some more sleep as I have a dull headache developing. Getting back into the school routine is not sitting well with me just yet. We'll see how tomorrow goes. My only class is basic acting, which should be fun.