Friday, November 22, 2002

Thanks to an amusing email from someone asking for Crucial Agony CDs, my spirits lifted. So, what have I done with my precious hours of life today? Wrote lyrics to a new song, created a new band for dark futures to sign, and designed some CD covers for Crucial Agony's side projects.

So, my evening will be filled with more humorous web slop. :)

now planning the downfall of the net to Collide- Halo/Chasing The Ghost
I can't begin to tell you how much I don't want to be here today. Fridays are always slower than frozen poop on a stick. I always end up bored and surfing...except I run out of things to surf for or I get sick of being stuck in front of this box in the office all day. And if there is any work for me to do, by the time it gets to me, I'm so lackadaisical and apathetic that I really don't even want to do it.

I need to get myself in gear to go dancing this evening's hard when your whole frickin day is a wash. That's why I intend to go home, do my exercises and eat some javapolitan ice cream to keep myself awake and moving until its time to go out.

I also have next to nothing for lunch today...nothing to bring with me anyway. And the cold weather and fact that I really don't want to spend the money on food is keeping me from freezing my ass off and wandering down the street to subway.

I should be much less blah, real homework this weekend, my back is hurting less....but I've got this stupid sad shadow following me around, grabbing onto my leg. I just feel I need to take a nice hot bath that lasts for oh..about a month. Not dirty icky...just....emotionally icky. I really want some pastries. Total non sequiter.

Currently being comforted by: KMFDM Tribute- Light cover by Guenter Schulz

Thursday, November 21, 2002

Today in acting class I was more than vaguely uncomfortable. First comes the realization of just how much older I am than just everyone else in there. I'm surrounded by freshman. One of them just turned 19 today. I'll be 27 in less than 4 months. gee, it is really any wonder I feel out of place? Besides the fact that I'm not in there to be an actor and I'm basically just filling a requirement by taking that class. So, then we're doing this exercise and the theme of "otherness" is chosen, and we have to do all these poses and yadda yadda.

Oh gee, I don't feel the least bit uncomfortable being the only "goth" in here, being older on top of it, and general feeling tired and antisocial amongst all the other little balls of freshman energy who all seem to know each other.

I've always been painfully aware of my differences, and that I don't fit in easily. This class was no exception. I think I may however be more acutely aware of what otherness is more than anyone in there, drama freaks or not.
ok, so now I'm awake enough to properly rant. Mostly because I'm as bored as dirt, and just as challenged by gravity. But I am listening to gotterfunken by it's not all bad.
Been surfing in my boredom, rather aimlessly typing things in, came across some amusing articles about dancing in clubs, and a rant against the Chicago scene, among other things.

I've been pondering on all of it, and realized at this stage of my life, I really could give 1/4 of a shit about the scene. I came from a smaller city with a more intimate scene, with the usual politics, backbiting, gossip and general shit that I really could have done without. Nonetheless, I made friends with many people and most of them were the ones who really were interested in the music/dancing instead of the whole fashion parade/ soap opera kind of crap. Not that they didn't exist, I just avoided them. But, in a scene that small it's hard not to hear about all the stupid rumors and gossip. So, I came to Chicago hoping to make a fresh start.

Chicago is not the friendly goth mecca that some people and/or websites make it out to be. It's a big city, full of a lot of people who feel like they have something to prove. On the whole, people are a lot colder here and it takes longer to make friends. It took me a year to really find a group of people I could identify with, and basically I'm friendly with group that all stems from a bunch who went to college in Peoria....recently I realized there really are quite a few of them.

It's different then before...the people I hang with now aren't so much for clubbing, or even dressing "goth" and that's just fine with me. They are easy to be myself around, aren't constantly absorbed into the latest sludge about who slept with who or whatever trash talk is floating around. We like a lot of the same music and movies, etc. Some of them know some of the gossip, yes. But for once I'm on the fringe and enjoying it.

I've found that I really have little interest in getting involved at all in the scene here, beyond getting to know the names of the DJs at Exit so they will play my occasional requests. The "names" in the scene...which as far as I can tell are just DJs and event promoters, aren't really all that they are made out to be. I've been around them and their crowd a little, and I haven't seen anything that makes them all that spectacular of people. Many of them are devout alcoholics, mediocre DJs, and are too caught up in either themselves or the supposed "scene" facade.

I'd already witnessed enough goth staring contests and gossipry back home. The last thing I want to do is get involved with the social food chain of a city this size. Fuck that. I'm already haggard from the pointless fashion nazi attitude and popularity contests that should have been left behind in the halls of high school. I'm not on any scene related lists anymore. No more flame wars, or informative threads turned into personal conversations/debates about some unrelated topic.

While I haven't had the energy to make it out enough, I tend to inhabit a club which apprears to be unpopular among the "scene" crowd. I feel comfortable in the seedy, biker bar atmosphere, there's less social bullshit - such as people staring at you because you are or aren't wearing a certain thing-, and the music has more energy. I like a portion of goth, but I'm far happier with harder electronic and guitar industrial. I avoid Neo, which from my experiences of being slowly pushed off the dancefloor, the large crowds, bad music andother people's stories of been "sized up" by the locals just isn't worth my time. I can never make it to nocturna, which is an ok night but it's on a tuesday. Went there once, was fun, but no good if you have to wake up in the morning. Plus, there was some of the "social food chain" element that could be felt. not so pronounced as at Neo though.

I have no desire to get involved with many of the people who are entrenched in the Chicago goth scene. I'm antisocial by nature, and to wet my toes in the gutter puddle of chicago goth/industrial madness means being more social than I'd care to pretend to be. Better that i know a few good people than many shallow ones. I'm comfy with being unknown, spinning like a gyroscope in my dark little patch of dance floor at Exit.

Sometimes I think I'm just outgrowing the whole club thing....but my problem is I love the music too much, and I love dancing as well. I think if anything, I've outgrown the attitude that I should care what anyone in the scene thinks of me because of how I dance or dress or what music I listen to. At this point, making new friends in this town means being friends with them because we have common interest in the music, dancing or art and not because they ARE someone or they know someone.

ok. that's enuff for now. i'm worn out and I have food stupor from baked goods.
currently feeling bloated to: electronic challenge vol 3
Why do people say "good morning?" Especially, why do they bother when it's grayer than a geriatric ward outside, pissing from the clouds and it's obvious that your eyelids need sawhorses to hold them up? Who instituted this cruel form of torture? GOOD MORNING? I never use those 2 words in the same sentence. hell, when was the last time I used "morning" in a conversation? I'm sorry but waking up to a blaring piece of electronic scrap from a comfortable dream/oblivion in a warm squishy place so you can go outside into the cold wet city where you will later discover that you will be forced to stand for an hour on the train next to some guy whistling through his teeth and doing some kind of potty dance on the entire train ride is NOT something i would describe as GOOD or FAIR or even OK.

Especially after spending an hour or so awake in the middle of the night for no good reason with an aching back, the above mentioned events really make you want to whack cheerful morning people in the kneecaps with heavy plaster lawn ornaments.

That's why I'm listening to OHGR.

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

Today is a long day...costume costumes costumes. I'm here late to watch a dress run through of the show, and I still have a couple items to pick up. Argh. Hopefully all will go well. I have yet to find a decent solution to my sweater problem for one of the characters, and I'm making a last ditch effort to scour the costume room for something decent.

I realize as of late, that I have trouble taking compliments. I also have trouble accepting affection ( be it verbal or something as simple as hugs) from people other than Mike. I must admit that much of the time I have a sense of feeling unworthy...and perhaps uncomfortable as a result. I am very elusive and reclusive as well, so said contact does not come easily nor has it ever. And my lack of self esteem has much to do with compliment acceptance.

I'm trying to pinpoint why this would be...embarrassment? While sometimes I may want attention, I feel uncomfortable when I actually get it. Even if its due me. I don't like being put on display necessarily, although it can make me feel good. I'm always afraid I'll sound like I've got an ego or something, so I keep it modest. Not that I would know much about actually having an ego. It just troubles me that I have such difficulty retaining the good things that people say about me and learning to internalize them, instead of getting wonked with the bad things - little as they may be compared to what good I've done and rolling around in them like a hot sweaty pig in a mud puddle.

Some part of me feels like I don't deserve it, I guess. I know I've bottled up a lot of shit from my past and it's still affecting me. Harsh words that were said long ago still bite. I'm not good at letting that kind of stuff go. Part of me is also afraid that if I do listen to the good that has been said of me, and start to believe it, that somehow I'll do something stupid and ruin it. Dumb thing to think, yes...but this is me - the chronic worrier we're talking about. Full of regret, bound by past mistakes and trying to painfully overcome them.

I have a way to rationalize that kind of shit though...if i am worried that I will ruin the situation, better to stay below it so I don't have far to fall. It's the fall that hurts. Treading the sewage is nothing after you've done it for a while. Ridiculous idea, and self defeating. But It's what I'm wrestling with for the moment.

I wish I could forget all the stupid things I've done and mistakes I've made over the years. I hate looking back on stuff and thinking...god, why the hell did I do that? I know humans aren't perfect, we weren't born that way and no one ever really does anything exactly right...but I find that I am so weighed down by the little problems and mishaps. Sometimes I feel like I was never forgiven for them. At the time, I didn't know any better. You're supposed to learn from mistakes. Why is it that decades later I'm only really getting a handle on it?

Maybe the reason I feel that I was never forgiven for my past misdeeds is because I still haven't forgiven myself. I am still my own best punishment. The fact that my back is in knots is proof enough. And why am I my own best punishment? Because I can see it coming. Because I can control it. Because when I have to, I can make it stop. No unexpected fits of yelling. No walking on eggshells. No hiding - I can't hide from myself.

I'm not good at forgiving myself. That's probably my biggest and worst flaw, aside from my absorption with fear. Part of me thinks I don't deserve it....perhaps I should smack that part upside the head with a skillet.

Oh the convoluted self protection schemes that I have developed. Even if it's protecting myself from something good. It takes a lot to get through my layer of defense these days. I avoid confrontation because I got large aggressive, traumatizing doses when I was little. I decided I already had enough I didn't need a second helping. I swallow a lot of pain, frustration, fear, anger. It always seemed to makes things worse to let out how I really felt.
Now it's that much harder to let people in.

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Gad... it's only tuesday. Today was decent I guess...scoped out some mp3s I can put on my show next time around. Did my monologue for acting class, full of nice happy rage. I think I scared some people. :) Yay. Have to finish my silly greeks for tomorrow...been working on costume renderings for Medea for what seems like months. Last step is to find some fabric swatches. Blah.

Dishes are piling up again though....maybe I'll get to them tonight. who knows. Probably not. Trying to come up with a sketch for a top to make out of some fabric scraps I dug up while looking for swatches at home. Want to make a skirt to go with it. Maybe I'll be doing that over thanksgiving break. Back is bothering me less today, but it hurts when it does. Trying to ignore it more so maybe it will relax.

Yar. Guess we're going to see TMBG in a couple weeks. I must bring my props...skulls and inflatable eyeballs.

Currently listening to: Electrocity Comp.

Monday, November 18, 2002

Well, my teachers are very impressed with my costume renderings and they aren't even done. I'm finally starting to feel like the 4 years at CCAD could have paid off. Of course, I taught myself the marker skills. And it has taken years of refining after graduation to get my figures looking right, but the previous schooling is definitely going to be a plus for me.

On a crappier note, I smacked the top of my kneecap on one of the stupid chairs in class. Apparently I smacked it hard enough to make climbing stairs very uncomfortable, and bending my knee a challenge. :( I hope I can still manage my exercises. Walking isn't great, but it's better than climbing. I could really use some ice.

OW!!! Bending my knee to keep it moving...the longer I sit the worse it gets. Taking my mind off my back though. Tell me that's not screwed up.

now wincing to: Mesh/The Point at Which it Falls Apart
I just noticed some of those test pics aren't showing up. Bah. Fix them later. My radio show is up. Finally. Had an ok weekend, at least half of it anyway. Never did go to exit. I really need to just suck it up even if I'm tired and just go...the exercise would do me good. Got some CD racks from heather and Steve and reorganized our collection. Did some shopping and spent sat. night at brew and view watching silly movies and drinking ice cold weasel urine.

The ladies room has these cherub chunks embedded into the's the most terrifying attempt at pseudo decoration I've ever seen. I mean CHUNKS. Random heads, wings, backs, cherub appendages...all over. I'm sure if you're sober it's just as bad. I think they should go ahead and add some bloodstains to just complete the picture.

Sunday sucked. was totally unmotivated, and came down with a bad case of sad. Just sad. Didn't make it to the show....wasn't in the mood to be around people and it looked like the ticket price was going to be $25 instead of $18 after I checked the venue website...i need to save money. So thusly, no show. Spent the entire day in my pajamas. And on the heating pad. And smearing myself with icy hot. My shoulder is driving me nuts. My muscles are so tensed up that they are pinching a nerve....a couple of my fingers tingle occasionally, and it hurts almost all the time. Been trying to stretch to relax it.

ugh. time for class.