Saturday, November 30, 2002

So it's the weekend, yet I have to go to school for around 4 hours today, and most of the day tomorrow. So much for my thanksgiving break. I was aware that i would be doing this when I took on the job as costume designer, i just thought i'd be spending a handfull of hours each day....I still have my evenings and i don't have to be there until 10 (on sunday)...but all the same it's like half my vacation is missing.

I got to mending some things, but who knows if i'll get to sew. I slept lousy again, although my back was complaining less. I woke up very depressed and unmotivated though. I'll probably be doing my exercises later tonight to keep up my energy so i don't just fall asleep when I get home.

Blah. it's like the weekend is over. And while I know I'll be done with the show after this weekend, it doesn't help much. I needed the rest NOW, not later.

Yesterday was fun at least, had some awesome crepes and got to bang on things. Played with piggies earlier in the day, made some pies, did some sewing.

Now I've just got this fucking cloud hanging over me again. At least Mike is going to try to come home early on sunday night so I can actually see him. If i'm lucky, I might be home when he gets there.

It's probably I good thing I didn't go dancing last sleep patterns are screwy and I was flopping around a lot again. when I did sleep, I dreamt about thhe silly play and banging on drums.

At the moment i'm downloading some stuff for my radio show for next time. Hopefully this week i can get it put up..It's overdue.

Friday, November 29, 2002

Wow...thanksgiving has come and gone already. The holiday weekend is still here of course, but I'm surprised at how fast the actaul day slipped under my radar. it was a good day even though Mike wasn't here. I crashed on Heather and Steve's couch after a night of petting guinea pigs, watching marathons of both "whose line is it anyway", and spongebob squarepants, and mauling through almost an entire can of pringles. Couch wasn't that comfortable though...and my back is already 31 flavors of fucked up.

This morning the OTHER side has decided to be painful - I'm thinking the combination of previous couch sleeping and then sleeping funny in my own bed did the damage. Looks like me and the heating pad have a hot date. Heh. I had dinner with some friends out in the far west burbs of Illinois. The house was full of antique farm implements, crocks, and more ducks than I think actually exist in the wild. The whole eveging was fun. There was a ridiculous amount of food....I ate myself silly. I was all good though, and I came home with an entire gladware plate of leftovers some spinach pastry thingies, and what looks like and entire veggie tray in a bag. And of course, there was pie. Need to fire up the oven and make some pies to give to heather and steve, and one fer meeeee. oh, and mike. I need to make some salsa too..for snacking.

So, I have today off. Sigh. lots i should do. need to exercise. need to make pie and do some sewing or somesuch.....headed out later with steph.

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Just need to get through today. I am in the crappiest mood....mostly because Mike is leaving for home tonight. :( I know I need my time alone, and he wants to visit back home, but I still wish he'd stay. I have half a mind to crash at Heather and Steve's when I visit the piggies tonight. They always relax me and put me to sleep - and traveling on a bus in the cold at night is not one of my more favorite things. Besides, cute fuzzy things that squeak make me feel better.

I HATE winter. It looks like winter now, after all that damn snow that got dropped on us. And it's only the beginning. I wouldn't hate it half as much if I was playing in it as opposed to commuting in it. I always get really dry skin and terrible static in the winter too. Wearing 50 pounds of clothing to keep warm is no picnic either...I have low blood pressure and that doesn't help.

I'm STILL trying to round up costume bits for this show. 4 characters, 2 costume changes, contemporary dress. easy, right? No. Finding the right shirt/sweater and pants for a couple characters has been quite the chore. Now I have to replace some shoes for another. I'm in tech all this weekend, so I don't get much of a break.

I'm antisocial on the border of being hostile. I don't want to talk, I don't want to move, I don't want to think. Just sleep. I need rest in the worst way. But I also need to creatively vent my frustration.

Blah. :(

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Ah, it's only 10 something and I can't wait to just go home. It's snowing out there. A lot. The heat is on in here, but I don't want to be here. I don't feel like dealing with work or my chaotic acting class. Blarf. I just want a break from things. Although Mike will not be around for the holiday, :(, I kinda need the time alone right now. I have several sewing projects building up - not counting the pile of stuff that needs to be mended or altered. I intend to catch up on all that over break.

I get to look after the cute fuzzy things again...guinea pigs are relaxing. I get to spoil them with lots of veggies. Assuming I get a hold of the people I need to catch a ride with, I'll be doing thanksgiving with friends this year, which should be fun.

I just want some hot cocoa and a nap, presently. And maybe a large stuffed animal to keep me company.
Less angst, more rest.

I should be able to fight off any post-turkey weight gain and blorpyness with my exercise routine, thankfully. I'll be able to get up in the morning and bounce around, which works out better than coming home tired and trying to get motivated to exercise after a full day.

Damn is it snowing.

hiding to: Mesh/The Point Where it All Falls Apart

Monday, November 25, 2002

My day started out ok...but is winding up to be annoying. My back hurts, the fucking copiers are making my life difficult. We barely had costume class today. Kind-of a waste. I did confirm my sewing help with one of my classmates today though, so that will be something for me to do over break.

Overall, I am not in the mood to be around people. I'd rather be exercising and cleaning violently to music. That I will do when I get home.

I'm good at avoiding things....I can get a lot of things done once I get myself in gear, but my power to procrastinate is pretty strong. I'm not confrontational. I never just go up to people and start conversations and the like. It takes talking to them a few times for me to warm up. This, of course, goes back to being shy and lacking in self confidence and social skills.

Sometimes, I really wonder how I've made or kept any friends at all. I have some people I'm pretty close to, and several I'm friendly with, but I don't remember how the hell I got to know them and get long with them. Some friends have gone by the way, as time or distance will do...

Some people I began to be friends with I let go of because things didn't seem to be meshing quite right - in some cases, from the start. Getting to know people and finding friends has been nothing less than a task for me for most of my life.

And, granted, I am socially challenged. Sometimes thoughtless, sometimes just stupid, but really. You'd think I'd be over this by now. Apparently some things are so ingrained that unlearning them takes a LOT of energy, and may not even be able to be done.

Which bring me back to the question it possible that some realtionships just aren't going to work? Over time I've really started to believe that more. If communication is malfunctioning, how can a relationship work? I believe there a reason I get along better with some types of people than others - not that I can entirely grasp what it is in its entirety, but I've noticed that with certain kinds of people things go sour more easily and I don't always know what to do or how to fix things. And I have so many defense mechanisms that you'd think I was a medieval fortress.

Sometimes my own inner workings and...well, non workings are enough to make me want to avoid people altogether...that sometimes I'd be better off if I was by myself like I was when I was young. Life doesn't really work that way though.

It's difficult to learn how to be social at this age, when I've already been through the trauma of junior high and high school, the freedom and stress of college, the despondency and hard reality that came with the working world....and have been timid, unassertive, afraid and sometimes irresponsible. Just kinda floundering around, not sure what I am, where my place is, and what the hell I want. Here I am, getting closer to some things I think I want, trying to get a better handle on who the fuck I am now that I'm feeling somewhat more stable.

I know I'm someone who jumps on myself too much already, but too many things happen that drive to disliking who I am. I take things to heart too easily, and incorporate them into myself so that they cause me pain from the inside. It's a bad habit like smoking, only there's no patch for it.

playing Slick Idiot - Idiot
Well, the weekend was pretty decent....
Have to get the place in shape before Mike leaves so I have less work to do and can get proper rest and recreation.

Anxious to have some time to just bury myself in art for a while.

Is it wrong to think that some relationships just won't work? I have a limited number of truly close relationships, and quite a few people I consider friends. There are none to be speak of where there is much of any struggle, arguments, etc. Usually, the people I am the best friends with have no trouble understanding my sense of humor, or my odd and off the wall as they are most of the time. I am not by any means the picture of social perfection. I grew up shy, and was around few people for most of my childhood. Throughout school, I had maybe one BEST friend up until high school. I spent most of the time by myself, in my own head imagining and creating things to amuse myself.

I'm still shy, and in large groups of people or in uncomfortable situations, I clam up. Some things I never outgrew I guess...and I'm learning that again this time around in school as it takes a while to warm up to people.

So, I'm not the best communicator, obviously, but I try. It's hard to talk to someone with the proper words when you aren't good with them and images and thoughts come more easily. I don't readily share my feelings, in fact I hide and bottle a lot of them and only a select few even hear them...usually they have to be drawn out of me unless I am so upset or overflowing with emotional buildup that I need to spew them out or else channel them into other mediums - like art.

Thusly, this blog. Much like my empire of webpages, it keeps my sanity.

There are some people that have difficulty understanding me and we butt heads, or else they dislike me in the first place. I've been careful over the years about who I've let in and who I haven't, not always as careful as I should have been in some cases and I've gotten walked over a lot before. Basically, I have felt that no matter what I do, some people will always dislike me, or continue to misunderstand me because they don't know how to listen to me the right way, and because I can't seem to use the right words to satisfy them.

While relationships aren't always happy, I am not someone who believes in trying to perpetuate a realtionship that is struggling to high degree. I am easily sapped of energy and easily upset...continuing on in a cycle that remains uncomfortable doesn't make sense to me and causes more stress that gets ingrained in me.

argh. class. more spew later.

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