Saturday, September 14, 2002

Well, going to the club last night was a vaguely scary adventure. Witnessed a nasty car accident that involved a car swerving, hitting another car, hitting and scarping the median- causing sparks and a light pole to fall into the street, and then the car flipped over onto the top and skidded under a bridge. Was a nasty sight, but everyone made it out alive. Rather shaken after that though.

Bought a new bellydancing tape yesterday, in an attempt to keep up with my exercise routine. Watching the tape has certainly improved my dancing ( in clubs) by a bit, and since dancing and swimming is the only exercise I really enjoy, then the tapes fit the bill. Also picked up the Re-Covered in Nails NIN tribute - used, thank goodness. I really only got it because En Esch and Guenter and covering Terrible Lies and I knew they'd do a good job...I already had RIB's Sin cover. (upon listening to the disc, i found the version I had was different) I felt silly picking the damn thing up though, as Cleo's reputation for putting out too many crappy tribute album precedes them by several miles. Guilty pleasure I guess.

What I've noticed on these albums, is Cleo will put the most well known and best artists at the beginning of the disc to hook you, then as the CD goes on the acts gets progressively weaker. Like they're fooling anyone. Razed IN Black is on just about every disc they put out these days...because they are the one good thing the record label still has going for them. And, while I am glad that RIB is getting so much exposure this way, I think that RIB's reputation would be better served by allowing them to put out more original music instead of bombarding them an endless stream of covers.

How many metallica tributes do we really need? Or tributes for NIN? And now they're doing a tribute to Manson??? I start drawing the line when they have no where left to reach for tributes when they start covering existing artists inside the genre. They are getting so cannibalistic. I've also seen them reuse the same tracks on various CDs. I have 3 compilations of theirs, and on each one there is the same Die Krupps track...not even one of the better tracks either.

So anyway, I listen to the disc and Mike laughs because I said that some of the songs were very close to being almost good. but, that's the best way to describe it. Some songs were musically lacking a certain punch, but the biggest problem I saw was the vocals. Trent's music is inherently a tortured, emotional medium and needs to be recognized as such. Most of the vocalists totally missed the feeling necessary to carry the song. I'm sorry, but when you are singing HURT, you need to at least do the song the service of sounding PAINED at the very least....the typical unemotional creaky vocals don't cut it.

It was disappointing as some bands were very close to doing a decent job. There were a couple other tracks that weren't as well done as RIB or Slick Idiot, but were GOOD. There were also a couple that sunk within the first few bars. I supoose that this will wind up a review soon....

What I wish Cleo would do is if ANYTHING, put out more comps like Unquiet Grave, or Dark Noise. I have almost all those discs, and for the most part have been pleased with the group as a whole. They would also do well to sign some of these unknown unsigned bands that wind up on such discs to get some new blood flowing in what seems to be the rotting corpse of a tribute machine. They don't seem to know where they want to go with the record label these days...and that's kinda sad as they used to be the premier home of so many goth bands. I'm hard pressed to come up with the names of any bands signed to them beyond RIB, and Spahn Ranch...and Electric Hellfire Club. If there are any more, Cleo would do well to advertise that "yes, we still have actual musicians on our record label" instead of relying on their backcatalogue to put together CDs and commissioning musicians who are busy with their own work to remix and cover everyone else.

Friday, September 13, 2002

I should not be awake this early, but my back was hurting to the point that I couldn't sleep. Stress like to settle into the muscles back there, and it hurt to even turn over. I finally gave up after piling pillows into a column I could sleep on and just got up instead.
At least I don't work today. Getting out of the house would do me some good, and so I have plans to hang out downtown a bit.

I hope to put up a few new episodes of gothic survivor soon...I've only just put up day 14. And, apparently there's already a fan fiction in existence involving my characters...and I'm not even done with the story yet!! Of course I'm flattered....and disturbed as the fiction also involves wrestling...and Ozzy and Danzig among other strange characters. Needless to say I'm gonna have to link it.

Still doing some drawing, did an insanely cute cartoon of the live members of slick idiot, have yet to put it on the website though. Maybe today, we'll see. I should exercise and shower and redo my hair before venturing out into the wild jungles of downtown. Anxious to put up the next radio show...not till this weekend though, or at least until some mp3's of a new friend's band go up so I can add them to my musical roster. And of course, there will be dancing this evening at Exit. Hopefully I won't injure myself like last week...especially with my back/neck troubles.

As far as the weekend, we're attending a sushi birthday party kinda thing for someone. I for one, have no inclination to eat raw dead sea creatures. I have tried the veggie sushi too, but I find the most unappealing part of the whole sushi deal is that fishy seaweed stuff. Just can't get past the taste. And I LIKE seafood too. Sushi sounds like it would be fun to eat, but...blech. That's why I'm sticking to some more normal menu fair, like anything that's been teriyaki-ed. I think I just made a new verb.....hmm. I believe there are 2 kinds of people, those who eat sushi and love it, and those who would rather eat cardboard toilet paper rolls. I am the latter.

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Why is it so hard to let some things go? Why hang on to feelings that really bring no benefit or make no rational sense? Maybe it's that there is some comfort in them, twisted as that may be. Perhaps there is some unfinished emotional business to deal with. All the same, the whole situation is silly. Spinning on and on and going nowhere, feeling haunted, not understanding why certain feelings are there or how to curb them. I sometimes think that perhaps I just need something to fixate on, especially in those times where I don't have any specific focus to absorb my mind. But my silly fixations annoy me. I know that this behavior must be part of how I am, but I am not very accepting of it.

I am back is hurting again. Here I am, facing the last day of work this week. I haven't been very good at keeping up my exercise schedule. If I don't exercise when I get home today, then I'll be very much falling off my routine. I'll admit, I am lazy...especially in the last couple weeks. Feeling drained. I could use a nap already and I've only been awake for a couple hours. I spend too much time thinking and tiring myself out. You'd think I'd learn. I'm not always good at doing what is good for me..otherwise I'd have a much better grasp on what is going on with me.

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

Odd that today is the best I've felt yet this week. Still restless, kinda unmotivated, but not as heavy as I thought I would be. I'm steering clear of all the 9-11 crap. I've had enough of the media hype and fear. It's one thing to honor those who were lost in the tragedy, it's another thing to spend all day watching tv and crying. So, instead, if i do anything today, I decided to reflect on hopeful things, or do something nice for someone, or engage myself in something I really love doing and enjoy living. If i learned anything at all from the tragedy, it was that life is too damn short to not LIVE.

Wrestling with myself especially now...trying to put to rest the inadequacy and self loathing, trying to make sense of how I operate and how I can improve my relations with people. I have my finger on the person I could be and who I really am, but freeing some of the entrapped aspects of me is the hard part. I've always had trouble being assertive and talking to people. I get nervous, scared, self conscious... afraid of being rejected.

I've noticed the one place where I can truly be myself and not care what people think is the dancefloor. For some reason, under the influence of the music, I can put aside my fears and all the things that inhibit me in my daily life are overcome for a short while. I feel confident, I'm not afraid to show my assertiveness, or express myself. I enter this strange almost trance kind of state a lot of the time while's just me and the music and the energy in the room. It doesn't matter if people are watching.

I find that throughout my life, I haven't been comfortable with being human, in this body. It just seems awkward and scary to me. But, in dancing, I am at home and comfortable with myself, almost totally. My best nights are those when I can just let go and be allowed to express whatever I've been bottling up...dancing almost to the point of exhaustion or past it. dancing is definitely a catharsis for me. I hide so many things, and it's the best release I've found. Better than art even. The feeling i get after a good night, with all the endorphins flowing, is one of happiness and accomplishment.

if I can just figure out how to transfer that to other parts of my life, I'll be on the right track.

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

BLEEEECCCHHHH. Yes, that was today. icky moods. but...I did finish the next episode of Gothic Survivor. I need to get back working on that again. Feeling restless, yet unmotivated. How annoying. I should draw or something tonight perhaps...I hope my drawing mood hasn't entirely flown away. Did start on a new sketch of Romell the other night.

Weird feeling in the air. Don't know how to deal with it. Just waiting for something to happen.I am not a patient person though...especially when waiting involves discomfort.
Yet another web idea born from pain and frustration....the gothic and industrial zodiacs. Working on them currently. will be a while til they are up as I am feeling a bit wallowing and unmotivated. Looking for pics as it is. Just a weird sadness/loneliness trying to permeate. I don't particularly enjoy being a beacon for the emotional/spiritual energy that flies around, but I can't exactly turn it off. Perhaps too much knowledge can drive you mad.

I don't really want to go to work today and sit in the ice box of an office for 5 hours...

Monday, September 09, 2002

First day back to work was ok. Went pretty fast. In an very antisocial mood though...this is one of those times when I am somewhere between feeling ok about myself, and being really hard on myself. I'm not sure I'll ever overcome stepping on myself.
It's hard for me to feel good about myself without having a speck of doubt in the background. I tend to feel mediocre a lot...that I'm just me. Nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, no one who is all that interesting. Even if someone really likes some artwork that I do, or praises some other talent I have, it's hard for me to accept that praise and hold on to it. When I do stupid things or make mistakes, it feels like somehow any accumulated praise gets erased.

I know it's human to make mistakes, but I always feel ridiculous when I make even the smallest ones. Or else I think I've made a mistake, and I'm really not sure so I kick myself just in case. I'd really like to know where all this shit stems from...and maybe I could get a handle on it. I realized that half the reason I'm so hard on myself is at least I can control the punishment, as opposed to someone else dishing it out. But, that's no reason to beat myself up, I know.

Letting things go has never been easy. When you've been affected early on by harsh things that have been said to you, you get scars. It's more difficult to retain the good memories than the bad ones. The bad ones leave more of an impression and haunt you because of the emotional distress contained in them.

I'm trying very hard to come to terms with who I am and really put an end to my struggle with fear and myself. After this weekend I made some very big steps. I am NOT a confrontational person. I learned early that confrontation mean yelling and punishment, or ridicule. I am not very aggressive or assertive, and while I have gotten somewhat better, I have miles to go. I wish to god I could just summon up the courage to do things like going to talk to someone in a band who I feel like saying hi to, or standing up for myself when I feel like I'm being threatened.

The strength is somewhere in must be. I survived an attack that very well could have left me dead for all I know. But somehow I dredged up the courage to wound my attacker...and many people were surprised at that. My biggest fear is not being accepted. I've spent my whole life trying to gain approval from parents or friends...some validation of my existence. I know you can't be liked by everyone - that just doesn't happen. What I wanted when I was at my worst in my early teens was for someone to really LISTEN to me. My parents really weren't...not how I needed. And I had hardly any friends either....I was one of those geeks who was the object of various flavors of verbal torment in junior high.

Today things are FAR different....I have a lot of people who care about me and believe in me, but I still wrestle with acceptance. Because of growing up and getting put down a lot by the people who were supposed to help me build my self esteem (for dum things, mistakes, etc) I still feel like I'm not worthy of acceptance. I feel like I haven't been accepted for who I am. Maybe I'm not the most considerate person every single moment of the day, maybe I'm not the perfect picture of the child my parents wanted, but don't I deserve to be accepted, faults and all?

I'm at the age where I don't have to seek their validation anymore, and even friends are not the prime source of acceptance I need, nor should they be. I have to make peace with myself somehow...and the way of going about that and making it a lasting peace is still escaping me. It's so difficult. How does one undo the years of emotional knots that get tied around much that movement is impeded? I'm identifying greatly with Trent's line in Wish "26 years on my way to hell" at times. Now is the time to straighten this shit out...but I sometimes fear I'm moving backwards or not at all.

Maybe the reason I still seek approval from my friends now is that I'm trying to make up for the harsh words I got at a younger age. The other thing I realize as being difficult for me is still knowing that I am a good person even if I do stupid or bad things. I know I am not defined by a single action alone...there's no reason why I should bludgeon myself when I do something dum.

I have a strange feeling inside that is a mash of both joy and fear, redemption and accusation. I am at a point of change, severe change. With a wedding coming in less than a year, my career path still uncertain, and "adulthood" setting in, things are getting icky and creepy. I am the eternal child, as always. That is unlikely to change. I decided when I was young that I always wanted to be able to play and imagine and never lose the magic that I saw in the world. I saw the world of adults as boring and draining. Now here I am in the midst of it and my opinion hasn't changed. The worst thing a person can do in this world is grow up to be an "adult".

My world will never circle around business or commerce. I could give a shit about life insurance. I'd rather staple my tongue to a rusty wall than worry about my investments and mutual funds and what the neighbors think of me because I don't play golf. When there is no more room for art or music or dreams then life becomes dry and dull and isn't worth living.I've learned that while adulthood means responsiblity, responsibility doesn't signal the end of being young.
I should know better than to say that my word for the week is going to be catharsis. I've had a very heavy weekend. And I've developed a lovely case of insomnia and ever spreading back pain. I've opened wide one situation and settled another, in both cases getting a load off of me that I've been carrying around for quite some time.

One thing i've realized, is that I do not get along with virgos. It just doesn't work, and I'm developing a track record for it. Consistently I have been over analyzed, misunderstood, and miscommunicated to. And it's hard for me to communicate back because I never know the right things to say, and even if I think I can find the right words, they never seem to be good enough. I don't see how such a mundanely logical kind of person can correctly communicate with someone as opposite as me. I have yet to get it to work right. Somehow, i think I never will get it to work.

So maybe I just have to face that no matter how I try, I'm always going to be less than what they expect, and there's always going to be a gap there. Maybe some people aren't made to get along.

I can see whith the end of my weekend, that this is going to shape up to be a fucked up week. With the impeending 11th, I feel a lot of tension and discomfort in the air, although I don't have a sense of danger like last year. Just sadness. If anything happens during this week, I would hope that people would drop the stupid shit that they argue about and fight about and kill each other for just to turn around and see that there are better ways to settle differences. If people actually take the time to listen to each other, and communicate well and respect each other, then things can be changed and common ground can be reached.

I'm so tired of people not listening, and not trying to see another's side, and thinking that they are always right even when they are not. It happens in families, it happens in countries...and when people butt heads without consideration for others then ugly things happen.

I'm sick of the ignorance and stupidity and blame that causes people to be pitted against one another. The world was not meant to be like it is now. We haven't really come all that far in the thousands of years that we've been here. For all our "technology", and all our "evolution", we are still the same predjudiced, warring, hateful, inconsiderate people that have walked the earth since the earliest times. We just find newer creative ways to string people up for public torment, cheat people out of what they own, and blaspheme ideas that were founded with good intent.

On the same coin however, we still have hope. Just how many of us and how that compares to the past, I can't safely say. But hope is still here. And I hope, that somehow, in my own small way, that I can at least make some difference in either giving people hope or laughter or enjoyment. I would like to think that the number of us who are seeing things as they really are and are ready to change them is growing. I guess we'll see....especially this week.

Sunday, September 08, 2002

It's 5 something in the frickin morning and I can't sleep. I can't get comfortable, and I can't get my brain to shut up long enough to relax and drop off. Worst part is, I'm absolutely exhausted. Not like I have to go anywhere tomorrow, but i don't plan on sleeping all day either.

I am so fucking sick of this insomnia. I used to have a waterbed several years ago, and had to leave it behind as I switched apartments. So now I'm stuck with a mattress on the floor. I havne't had enough money to get a real bed. And the only real bed I want is a waterbed anyhow, or an air mattress. I never had insomnia when I had my waterbed, nor did I have back or neck problems the way I do now. Sleep is a struggle half the time. I never get the rest that I should. I was really tired earlier today and I took a nap, but didn't get to sleep for over an hour after I laid down to rest.

I have yet to find a sufficient way to get myself to sleep when this kind of shit happens. All the crap that's been on my mind has only been provoking this kind of mess. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't just be better to let myself go crazy from sleep deprivation. If it wasn't for the fact that my dreams are as interesting as they are (and often more fulfilling than waking life in many cases) I'd say fuck sleep all together. It's not like I'm getting much of it these days anyway.

I'm a ridiculously light sleeper too. Mike can pass right out at the drop of a hat. If he tosses and turns he's asleep already. It makes me jealous to have to watch as he sleeps while I do nothing but struggle and throw pillows around the room. Maybe we just need a new fricking bed. I can't stand this anymore...I'm so wiped out.