If you really love your kids, you won't give them stupid names.

Like "Jayden". My alltime least favorite name that every boy (and girl) is getting now. In my generation, it was all Michaels, Brians, Jennifers and Kristens (varied spellings). Now it's all Jaydens...or Kayden, Hayden or Aidan.

I'm waiting for some Mortal Combat Nerd to complete the series with Raiden.

HURL. What is with these uber yuppie pretty pansy names? As if the above listed aren't bad enough, how about Gage, or Chase? When did we start naming kids with verbs?

Or, then there's names like Teagan, Kaylee, Tyler, Logan, Mackenzie, Brittany. And names like Brittany are ALWAYS better if you spell them in some horrendous manner like Brittanay, or Courtenay. they are not pronounced with that extra syllable, it's just there for stupid value.

Bad enough that other more traditional names are getting the bad spelling treatment to make them seem more exciting. Half of them are having vowel movements, or substituting letters that have no business being there.

Todays parents are on crack. That's the only way to explain these foo foo bullshit names or ones with so maybe silent or substituted letters that it makes people wonder if we really aren't speaking gaelic over here.

And the amount of silly androgenous names. peh. Now, mind you I'm not against androgenous names in a fascist sense, just that most of them are frickin retarded and sound more like street names or kinds of furniture. Jordan, Devin, Riley,Kennedy, Addison, Mckenna.....

And might I spark remembrance of George Carlin skit about how lame many boys names are?
Noah, Cody, Bryce, Brady, Kyle, Hunter....
These aren't a line of pants styles, these are kids.

Good god, who let the yuppies spawn.

The only solace in this madness of these poorly named kids is that they will rebel against their parents. Let's face it, if you're a 15 year old kid trapped in the suburbs and your name is Aidan Riley Yuppiejackass, you're going to wind up listening to black metal bands and/or powernoise because you feel more like a piece of Ikea houseware than a human being.

Blech.

Sorry folks, as if reading about death isn't bad enough, these dumbass names make me want to cry and scream.

My solution to this....I vote we start giving our kids food names. If it's good enough for our beloved pets, it's good enough for the kiddies right? here's our new little daughter Cilantro Nori. Meet my son, Fusili, and his sister Marmelade. Don't forget to pick up Bacone, Cheese and Breade.........from soccer practice.

Bloody hell people. Get a clue.