Tuesday, January 06, 2009

On todays menu, our special is bile, with a side of annoyance and smothered in a thick glaze of frustration and a crunchy sprinkling of contempt.

So, what's up my ass this time?

#1. Winter
#2. Various stupid and annoying circumstances
#3. Stupidity
#4. Bad habits that die hard. (Die Hans Gruber Die)
#5. Everything basically.

Let's face it, this time of year sucks bad enough for those of us unfortunate enough to live in this godforsaken climate without the boohooing over the economy, constant reports of people bombing each other because there's still some green earth somewhere in the middle east, boohooing about climate change, and boohoing about what personal difficulties we are facing at the moment.


So, let's start, shall we?

In the past I've said that I hate people. I've tried loving them, but I still hate them. People do not make themselves lovable as whole. The problem with the statement that I hate people, is that I don't desire to actively hurt them, call them names, and say awful things to them. In fact, I avoid doing these things at all costs. Sound and Fury.

So, if I hate people, shouldn't I want to make them miserable?
(really, I don't have to bother. People are very good at doing that on their own)

So I figured out that when I say I hate people, it's not people I truly hate, it's how they behave. it's the things they do and say. It's the stupidity of people- and the sheer gravitational pull of their own stupidity that makes me want to hug them with a flamethrower in my mind.

The mental imagery of violence is merely a coping mechanism, because if I actually acted on my feelings for people's misbehaviours, we'd all be dead.
I'm ok with acknowledging that sometimes my mind does things as the above mentioned, because at least it's honest.

I hate people's stupidity and their insufferable attachment to it. Their unwillingness to learn from their mistakes. Their choosing to remain ignorant.

This is not to say I know everything, because I most certainly don't. This is also not to say that I have not done stupid things, because I have. Unfortunately, too many people remain unaware of what they are even doing and are perfectly happy that way.

What I hate more then the stupidity of humans is the fact that humans are extremely capable of not being stupid, but they go on doing it anyway!

Perhaps it's a lack of good teachers and role models, to start with.
(this is a segway into another rant)
I know that I for one can count on one hand the number of adults who have actually set out to and succeeded in making me feel like I had potential and were willing to foster that along with my needs. One of the many reasons I fall into a pattern of jadedness every so often is because I have felt so stuck with this mindset that I have to do everything myself because no one else is going to teach me, or help me.

I've had this for a very long time. It surfaced most in those lovely(barf), awkward, and potentially hazardous teen years as it was really cemented for me that most adults were really clueless in most situations. The teachers I was supposed to look up to and respect often failed to actually "teach" with the exception of one or two. Anyone can make you read a text book and spout back facts at them. Few teachers actually took the time to figure out how we learned, who we were, or how we felt. The guidance counselors in my school were pretty useless, and the advice I got on rare occasions from faculty was trite at best. Both after high school and college, I and most of my other friends were stumped as to how we were supposed to behave in the "real world"--because the adults surely hadn't clued us in as apparently they hadn't done so hot either.

I remember an assembly during my teen years where there was a discussion of "heroes" and who your heroes were. I remember the speaker talking and asking kids in the audience about their heroes. (it's likely we had to write some stupid paper afterwards, but I don't remember) What I remember most, is being sad...because I couldn't come up with anyone I really looked up to. I didn't have any heroes. The realization was depressing.

In the same breath, I also didn't want to just emulate someone. That's hardly being real and true to myself.

But what was most saddening was feeling like there was this big long road ahead of me and no one to really lean on...no one who had been through what I had who I could talk to. No one who could show me a better way to cope.

While I've learned a lot on my own since then, I still feel that way sometimes. Granted, I'm stronger for pushing through what I have, and I've got myself to thank for it....but really.
What I wouldn't give to have a decent mentor sometimes. Not an egotistic guru who tells me what to do because they perceive me as weaker, or a teacher who thinks they are helping me by drawing on my drawings, or someone in a position of authority talking out of their ass. An actual mature person who listens, has ideas that I haven't come up with yet, and is willing to help me at my own pace without judgement. Ah...the sweet smell of ideals.

It's not that I don't know what this kind if person is like- as I said before, one hand is full of them. It's just that they've been in and out of my life in such a short time. I feel a little cheated.

My own insight is pretty strong for the most part, and it gets me through. But frankly, I get tired and/or need a second opinion on certain matters. Learning things on your own when you are your own teacher (or when the teacher is an impersonal force like a situation) can gain you a lot but it also takes its toll.

So, I'm a little jaded. A wee pinch.

(I'm not trying to belittle any of you pals who read this, as you are my best sounding boards and a great support system, and of course I am grateful. But sometimes I just want a teacher.)

I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that I feel this way at this age. Having grown up with a high rate of disappointment in adults and then being in the "adult" world myself (HA) which only seems to be confirming the disapointment I had earlier is quite the kicker.

So, what else am I frustrated about?
Let me tell you!

I just love the way humanity finds a way to make every possible process in life a dehumanizing devaluing load of crap.

Not that I'm searching right now, but I think that any sort of job search fits the above statement very well. (precisely why I'm not doing much searching)

It's not enough that we objectify people through the media, instilled values, and societal patterns.
Finding a job means becoming your own salesman and marketing yourself as a commodity.
How sick is that.
Is it any wonder why there's this extra layer of gloom around about now.

I am over educated. I learn easily and quickly, and have a bag of skills that would be too large for a carry-on at the airport. But I am not profitable.

What do I like? Art. Philosophy. History. Music. Writing. Spirituality. Humor.
Are any of these profitable? heh. no.

What can I do? Plenty of things that people think are lofty and pretty and inspiring but don't want to reward me a living wage for, because I'm not profitable.

And because I'm not willing to steal underpants, and sell underpants to make a profit off of underpants, I would probably be labeled as a shiftless dreamer by those who are profitable.

WAIT! I know my perfect job. Send me back to Greece. I'm a fucking muse. that's it.
(Muses are very poorly paid too, just so you know.)

Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have a bunch of "gifts" that are not valued, and if they are it's only insofar as to how much they rake in for someone else?

Whether or not it is the truth, I more often than not feel like I have little choice in the matter of my "career". Dirty Dirty word career.
I can either work crap jobs for crap pay and have time to do what I actually want to do, or be a square peg in a round hole doing things I'm either bored by, annoyed by, or don't believe in and get paid better for it.

I'd like to think I have more choices than this, but my perception is severely tainted and I have yet to see much movement in any direction that will prove otherwise.

So, in the meantime, I'd rather do what I'm doing. (crap job, art) because at least I'll be able to live with myself.

In general, I think people in the job market (see? we're a bunch of products) are not valued as human beings with skills and feeling and goals. They are looked as more as a package. A thing that may or may not be useful to someone else.

Tried writing a resume? There are forms for them, proper ways to do them as well as cover letters. And all of them are trying to squeeze the contents of a person onto a sheet of paper, trying to define a person as a skill set, as a tool. As a grocery list for companies who need a new cog. Resumes are designed to be extremely impersonal things. How can an impersonal sheet of paper possible encompass the potential of a human being? It's an exercise in ridiculousness.

It's no better than reading a person's obituary- only these are typically worse as they are trying to condense a lifetime down into a column. If we were to believe that people really were everything the obits say- a list of relatives, of jobs and social organizations and some well meant adjectives and trite comments then we might as well design ourselves as objects or products on a shelf. Everything we are becomes a bunch of ingredients. We prize all these labels and awards we accumulate and turn ourselves into jars of jam.

Why again do I hate people so much? Because people think of other people as objects more often than not. It starts with the precious artifact children, our little trophies. It continues on with practices like automated phone calls when all you want is to speak with a pulse, or words on the internet that are attached to "avatars".

I tire of the objectification of humanity, and humanity's deliberate perpetuation of the act.