Friday, October 04, 2002

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHH. Good god. I am bored. I can count the amount of people who've come into my office today on one hand. It's done nothing but rain all day.

Maybe i should go make copies for a while...I don't know. When I get stuck alone in boring situations like this, I wind up getting depressed and stomping on myself.

I'm trying hard not to venture down that road, but I end up heading in that direction anyhow. I feel like recently, I have turned some people off...not entirely sure how either. I get frustrated with myself for being me quite a bit. I notice that often I am misunderstood...perhaps I am too eccentric for some to grasp the right way. I think some people think I must be stuck up sometimes...and that they mistake my shyness for this. It sucks to feel shy, and when you try to hide it and look like you aren't self conscious, you wind up looking aloof to others I suppose.

I'm not the best at dealing with people. If I was I'd have gone to college to educate myself in a more social field. Instead, I'm this ridiculously moody artist who can't ever decide if it is better to be alone or around people, and can change her mind in a fraction of a second. I'm stupidly idealistic half the time, easily hurt, and prone to doing irrational things for no apparent reason.

People who take me too literally usually wind up being confused by me. I wonder how many times I've been written off as "that freaky chick" - what's wrong with her? by someone. It makes me wonder how I've made as many friends as I have...I know plenty of people who are on my wave length and would do just about anything to help me. How the hell did they figure me out? I don't even know what's going on with me half the time. It's like being on Day Quill for months on end, with injections of caffeine, dessert binges and sleep deprivation. Try and think straight after that. heh.

I know I can't make everyone happy, I just wish there was a way to get through to the people who I tend to be at odds with so we could be on a similar level of commmunication...I hate being misunderstood. I realize that I am probably far too introspective for anyone's good, including my own. Somebody find me the off switch and flip the damn thing.
Sleep escapes me I spend the whole night tossing and turning, having "awake dreams" of scenarios that don't actually exist and having difficulty shaking myself around enough to realize that it is time to rest. Then, after a long, sleepy train ride, I get to work, where I am by myself in the office on a slow day, with the sky pouring down on the city and nothing but clouds for miles...this really stimulates consciousness, let me tell you.

So, I've got my cup of lemon tea. Yay. And I'm listening to Unquiet Grave Volume 1 just to make sure I stay vaguely alert. friday. hooo-ray. I'm hoping i have enough energy to make it to Exit this week...was too tired last time to have a decent evening. Perhaps if I take a nap after exercising when I get home, I can be ready to dance...or maybe I should skip the nap and just wear myself out so I can crash.

So much for my dream experiments this week...shitty sleep really doesn't facilitate such research. Still trying to kepp up with the journal, depsite the fact that I remember little to put down. I know that when I really do get good sleep, I'll have 10 billion vivid dreams in a big flood. It always happens that way.

No more freaky movies before bedtime. Normally that kind of stuff doesn't bother me, but I know it was affecting my attempted rest last night. Here's to insomnia.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

Still feeling crappy, but cold getting better. My throat is less sore...but now i'm in the sniffling phase. It looks to be that I will be assuming the position as Costume Designer for a smaller play...I've got the script to look over. I should definitely take it, no matter that I have had no previous experience, and to get over the initial fear of being responsible for something creative. This is what I'm going to school for after all. A little confidence would help right about now.

We didn't get into the pre screening or Red Dragon at the school, we waited in line with tons of other people for at least a couple hours, but we were several people away from getting seats. Our lovely parting gifts were red cups, courtesy of Big Red, filled with gum, playing cards, and bottle openers, as well as black fuzzy dice from that Fast Lane show. The dice went prompty into my hair, just to be strange. it interesting evening. I just wish we had gotten to actually see the movie. we paid in time instead of money.

It's so dreary, and I slept like crap. No lucid dreams for me. I'm lucky I remember any...they were all so fragmented. I must have awakened during the night at least ten times or so. I am not in the mood to be here, nor am I in the mood to go to class. Blah.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

I'm a baritone today. Damn cough. :P

On the other hand, I'm doing some interesting dream experiments. I dream lucidly fairly often, and my dreams are always very vivid, so I thought I'd hone my dreaming skills a little. I started a journal, and did some exercises to help me control my dreams a little more. This, in combination with a short ritual before bed has already helped me get better sleep and have some interesting dreams in the span of one night.

I recorded a long...almost extended dream that took at least half the night, from which I was able to wake up and still continue dreaming. I'm going to keep this up and see what happens, as I'd like to try and get some information from my dreams that could help me in waking life. This is not new for me, I've always paid a lot of attention to my dream life and gotten some interesting ideas from it.

We'll see what happens I guess....

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

I am not feeling well today, but I have been worse. I have this deep sexy voice going because of my scratchy throat and coughing. yay. My radio show is almost done, have to finish it at home and get all the tracks in order. Started putting together the show following Day of the Dead show.

I am really not in the mood to be silly in acting class today. God knows I'll sound ridiculous. I came into work late thanks to the lack of sleep I got last night. I'm still very worn down. Too much on my mind. And its only tuesday. I need to go home and do my exercises whether I feel crappy or not. That's what I did yesterday, and I wound up feeling better afterwards. Maybe just keeping moving will be enough.

I need to get working on my halloween costume...have a mask and a skirt to make, and I should head to fantasy headquarters to pick up some sparkly blue tights and blue makeup.

Monday, September 30, 2002

Nothing like a gray monday with a sore throat to make you not want to get out of bed. I really should be more excited about going to school, but for some reason I'm not. I need to be getting more sleep, I guess. If there ever was a time when I would rather hide under the covers than deal with people, it's been the last couple weeks. On top of that, I seem to be suffering from a lack of motivation. I got my reading assignment for class done last night, but I'll have to read it again on the train as I just wasn't absorbing it the way I should.

Need to finish putting up my radio show. Need to do exercises when I get home...Exit was actually pretty lousy this past week. The DJ was playing way too much slow stuff for a long time afte we got there, and if I don't get out and dance within the first 15 min. or so, then basically my night is shot because I lose the energy. I had been tired anyway. I think I only dance to maybe 3 songs. I could easily do better than the guy did on Friday, even with as little DJ knowledge as I have. I know enough how to get and keep people on the floor and hold a mood from song to song. Hopefully this friday should be better. The DJs switch off, and the good one will be spinning this week.

Blah. I just shouldn't be awake. Simple as that.