Friday, December 13, 2002

oh's friday the 13th. that figures. thanks jen.
Friday. Is it over yet? Sigh. Mike's at home being a muffin on the couch...called in sick to work.
Had a dream about Jen last night. First one in quite some time, and like the others about her, I'm always lucid at least in a portion of it. Always vivid, and I always know that she's dead and that she's really not supposed to be among my other friends who are alive in my dreams. She always wears white...was very plain, her dress, but bright white, and her hair was twisted/braided in an odd way that I commented on. It's a surprise when she shows up....every time. Other dream characters don't have that effect.

It shouldn't really be any surprise that she's showing up now....she tends to show up when I'm stressed or troubled, and considering what time of year it is. She would have turned 26 next week. Who knows what she would have been doing - singing or theatre I imagine. She's half the reason I'm where I am now, and also the reason I love to barbecue so much.

Sometimes I know that the people in my dreams aren't really the people who they are supposed to be, but when she appears there are so many signs that tell me that her appearance is no mistake. She's checked up on me before. This time, she told me something to the degree of "you're not being yourself". And she's right....I've been struggling with a lot of issues and who I am...trying to figure out what to let go of and what to keep. I've been off kilter for a bit now. I know we spoke of other things...I told her as always that I miss her, and she said she missed me as well.

There was little sadness in the dream - she's not the kind of person you could be sad around for very long. There was more of a if we met casually on the street after not seeing each other for a few years. I wondered today that if she was still around if we'd still be as good of friends - even with the distance and the time that sometimes takes friends away from you...and I concluded that we would be. Our interests were very similar. I wish she was still around sometimes because i know she'd enjoy going to the clubs with me and meeting some of my other friends. Maybe we wouldn't get to talk as often - I don't keep in touch with people back home the way I should - but if we got together we'd have a billion things to say.

I can't believe it's been six years this month. Christmas was forever affected by what happened to her. I know that my increasing dislike for winter must be related - she died on the first day of winter. The darkest day of the year. Sometimes it's a sad time, but only in tiny portions. I usually end up doing a lot of reflecting around this time. I'm sure I'll be visiting her grave to leave her some fun, silly thing.

Sometimes I do question the validity of the dreams I have...but in the end I know better. I know more or less what Jen believed. If she had something to say to me, she'd find a way. Everyone had dreams about her right after she died. She had a premonition of what was going to happen to her...and for that matter, so did I - I just didn't know what it was.

I will forever be haunted by the whole event...but I find I am coming to terms with her loss. It's more like she's one of those distant friends who only comes into town every few years, but they always give you a call and they never really stop thinking about you. Sometimes I can't help being a little sad, but she was someone who would have much rather you remember all the silly shit she used to do to make you laugh. I think sometimes she must get in my head - I know my sense of humor is a reflection of her too.

now listening to: razed in black remixes

Thursday, December 12, 2002

brrrrrr. The heat is coming on though....i just wish they'd turn it on more than once a day. I actual advisor was in Milwaukee though! I registered with one of my other teahcers. Makeup II was FRICKIN CLOSED! I have to wait another year to try and take that class.
Taking costume construction 2 though, should be fun, and scene painting. Have an independent project designing for a show, and hopefully I'll have time to help jeanine with her show. Things are gonna be busy.

I really need to learn how to de-stress. Found some health insurance I can apply for, to get me on my way towards physical therapy. Hopefully they'll accept me. I am so uncomfortable. If my back isn't hurting, then my arm is, or its tingling. Or the tips of my fingers want to be numb. Nothing helps. Icy hot makes me smell like a big winto-green life saver and mike wants to chew on me to see if I spark in the dark. heating pads help some, but only for a while. I can't seem to relax long enough at school.

Blah. I've been thinking about that leftover vicodin in the medicine cabinet, but it's only a painkiller and I don't think it will really help that much. Didn't really do much for me when i had my wisdom teeth out. Percoset - that was some fun stuff. Yes siree. I think I still hurt, but I didn't care. Maybe I should get some of that "blue relief" stuff - but I think it's just more minty slime and then mike would think I'm some kind of candy cane. I don't want to be that festive.


I just want to go home and be all comfy under blankets, and not have to wake up to a blaringly happy snail and go out into the arctic winds and push past mobs of humanoids on the train just to get to work and surf for several hours.

I'm almost done with my radio show. I hope to get it up tonight and finish those damn dishes. We have to get things straightened with our landlord and the lady upstairs. Water is leaking through to our bathroom. The ceiling is cracking, bubbling, and vaguely fuzzy. That's fuzzy in a bad way.

Perhaps tonight when I go home, the heating pad will be my friend. I'll make some nice cocoa and dump some bailey's in there. I'll wear my pajama pants all night. I'll turn the heat up and climb under some blankets and watch That 70's show and go to bed.

This weekend, except for banging on things and making noise, and perhaps attending a jewish metal concert, I plan to sew some, and I have to get going on my finals. I have a paper to work on and some sketches to crank out. Maybe if I do those sketches at work tomorrow...that would help.

now listening to: absolutely nothing because i left all my music at home. :(

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

Tuesday. Second worst day to Thursday....
Almost caught up with chores though, still need to mop, shop and do dishes. I hope to have some time to draft patterns for the stuff I wanted to sew.

The weekend was insane. birthday dinners, hostage situations, sleeping on friends floors - and failing. napping til 2, chocolate bread pudding, clubbing, They Might Be Giants shows, homework, chores...too much. The end of the semester is kicking my ass in at least 17 different ways.

I'm looking forward to a more quiet, vaguely uneventful weekend so I can get some stuff done. Romell sent me a nice package though, Cryonica Tanz 2 which features him as well as Colony 5, Seabound, The Nine, Inertia, and lots of other good bands, as well as a small sample of his new stuff from the upcoming album which is going to be called Damaged. Very melodic and trancey. Lots of covers and remixes on the disc too. Also threw in a cute little japanese happy thingy with a flower on its butt. Now I can put some new Razed In Black on my radio show, which I really need to finish and put up before this week ends.

That package cheered me up a lot. I have hardly any money for christmas gifts this year, and since I fucked up and didn't get my time sheets in on time, I'm really broke. I'll be happy for the break though. God knows I need it now.

Need to get a hold of a physical therapist. Still have that "pinched nerve" feeling in my arm. Stupid neck muscles that won't relax. Stupid me that won't relax. It's rather impossible when every time I turn around there's some other project or issue to deal with. Cleared up one issue recently, so hopefully that will be less of a load on my mind. Not having to deal with work or school for over a week will help. Need to get going on my theatre history paper today: Noh theatre. I have such an infatuation for things asian. Seems far more interesting than the usual western history we always get thrown at us. Not that I dislike western history, mind you.

now listening to: Razed In Black cover of one of those Metallica songs