Thursday, January 15, 2009

Better out than in, right?


So, I'm really just disenchanted, jaded, despairing, and often feeling incredibly hopeless about the world and life in general.

I don't think it's one specific thing, I know it's a bunch of specific things; the current situation, the weather, the season, my job and lack of hope for anything better, the general negativity that has settled in the atmosphere.

The gravitational pull is really getting to me. I'm beyond fed up of feeling uncomfortable with circumstances and in my own skin. I know that half of this is in my head, but it's being provoked from outside occurrences and I'm really really done with having all my buttons pushed all at once.

I've been leaning towards escapism, and want so much to run off headlong into it, but find that doing so will only disappoint me and probably be unhealthy anyway. There's nothing worse than retreating into a fantasy world and then having to leave it. (Mine is more colorful than most)

My coping skills suck at present...or maybe not, because I'm trying to be vaguely constructive by blogging instead of drinking or taking drugs or shooting people like other folks in this world.

Not that I can't understand the appeal of addictive substances, I just know better. When someone like me gets perky so quick after a smidge of coffee, they should NEVER touch anything harder than nyquill (gack).

More to the fact, I'm tired of having to whip out a new bag of coping skills every day to try and deal with the tyrade of reality that lurks outside the warmth of my bedcovers.

Yeah, I'm wallowing somewhat. Deal with it. I'm at a loss here.

I'd probably be a ripe breeding ground for religious zealots with the way I'm talking who want to convert me to a CHRISTIAN (TM) (big neon letters) because I apparently have something missing in my life.

(middle finger)

I am well aware that I'm supposed to learn something here. I'm just having a huge problem doing so, and feeling very blocked.

Very very blocked. And lacking in hope. Not utterly lacking, because there's this tiny little smurf of a voice that peeps quietly in times like this that things will get better.

I'm just having a bitch of a time believing it.

All the button pushing has thrown everything into sharp relief. I have to figure out what I really want.

Problem is, I've gone for so long feeling like what I want is unreasonable, or selfish, or impractical, or juvenile, or not worth wanting. I'm not really too good at wanting things. Sure, sometimes I can tell if I want some cheese, or want a nap, but just as often the big things and the little things are so obscured by crap.

I get tired of bothering with what I want and just make do. I've done a lot of muddling through, and getting by, and being that full fledged tetrahedron in a round hole. I feel a lot of times like this world is not feasible for me. I'm wired all weird, and while it's interesting sometimes, it makes existence a bitch. This is not the first time I've felt like I don't belong. It's been a running gag.

I can't say how many times I've wished I was someone else- or just had different wiring so I wouldn't feel like this. I'm clueless as to how to deal with this in a healthy way.

If I can get past this monster, I'll be getting past one of my biggest issues ever. But...I lack the equipment.

It's like getting mashed to a bloody pulp by Godzilla, who doesn't have the courtesy to let you die.

I realize I'm supposed to be shifting my perspective here, but I don't know where to move it to.

The whole suck up and deal attitude of life really hasn't gained me much except for maybe cynicism.

I feel like I've expended so much effort already with little compensation.

If someone were to offer me whatever I wanted right now, no strings, I would ask for hope, and peace to just BE.

Am I allowed to just BE in this stupid ass world that likes to throw shoulds and do & don'ts at me? Can I just fucking feel comfortable enough with myself to sluff off all the ridiculous tripe that comes with being here?

Am I even supposed to be concerned with where I "fit" since I'm not going to "fit" no matter what I do or don't? Am I allowed to not fit and be comfortable with that?

I could sit here and ask myself why I am what I am but that's like asking "why is fucshia?"
If I'm meant to not "belong" than I'd like to just say: "Hmm. I don't belong. Ah well. time for crackers.

For some reason the idea of Schroedinger's Cat got into my head. I'm not sure how it applies, but I find it calming. Unless the box the cat was in was a big chinese food takeout box.

Perhaps my mission is to go build Schroedinger's Cat piano.