Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Well, here I am at a crossroads again. Tired, unmotivated, crabby, hungry...wondering where it's all leading me.

I survived halloween, which seemed to last for several weeks at the job I was and am still at, I saw RIB come through and got to see Romell for the third time in 5 years, and we actually got to hang out some this time.

Kinda having withdrawal though...i was too busy with halloween to be as cranked up about the show beforehand, and the post-show sadness is still lingering.

Looking for something else to look forward to.

Feel like I should be doing something, but don't know what. Too many things should do...but unsure as to what I want to do. I usually wind up filling time surfing or wandering aimlessly...

Feeling the change coming on...that kind of change when things are going to likely get turned on their ear.

Old tools are becoming useless, old thoughts becoming dated...
Change is necessary, yes, but the inbetween stages are nothing but frustrating.

I'm talking about the periods like this where nothing seems to matter, my energy wanes, and I can't get myself to enjoy much of anything. Yet, there is this underlying sense of urgency that keeps pushing me to do..something.

And because I don't know what that something is, I do other random things.

I can honestly say I'm very tired. Even 10 hours of sleep can't get rid of this tired.
And I've been doing much better since I've been getting more sleep.

This tired goes beyond that...part of me is very tired of the game. This silly game we play everyday, go to work, go to school, get on the train, do your chores, eat, sleep, go to the bathroom.

The everyday grind has been turning me into a lovely fine powder.

Granted, I haven't had a day off to myself in weeks. That would certainly help.
But I know there's more to it.

Maybe my own expectations are wearing on me.
I don't know.

I just feel like I want to hide in a nice warm room somewhere, in my pajamas, with a nice burrito, and then take a nap for about a week. No people, except for a select few.

I find myself constantly being part of or drawn to groups that are "different", made up of people who say they "aren't like everyone else", and preach tolerance, love acceptance, etc. And time and time again I am disappointed by how far they veer from their intended course. Saddened really, that even among these "special" groups, the capacity for human cattiness, superiority, and pretension is no less high than in any others, and yet they want to appear to not fall prey to such things.

And I, because I am always painfully aware of my own differences as compared to anyone else - even those who are similar, always feel that I am on the outside. It's not always bad to be on the outside...but, I must say I get tired of joining a group of people in hopes to perhaps find others who actually live what they preach, only to find it's another chat haven or gossip farm.

Naive perhaps, hopeful, yes.

Really, i have few close friends who I let in far enough to tell them what I really think about this or that, and choose carefully who I am with and who I expend my energy towards. Which, is why groups like the above-mentioned tend to get on my nerves after a while. I like people, and I go out of my way to be friendly to them but often they frustrate and disappoint me.

Where the hell am I going with all this, I have no idea.
As if this supposed to make sense to anyone but me anyhow...and truthfully I'm not so sure it does.

Too many ramblings left unrambled.

Perhaps I need a nifty way to siphon off those extra thoughts.

In plain english, I guess you could say I'm tired of the world. I'm tired of the effort we have to put forth just to get through a day, I'm tired of the way people treat each other, I'm tired of the way people limit their thoughts, I'm tired of the way things are run...

Yeah, that's it.
I think, what we all need is a nice big siesta. the whole planet. For about a week. No work. Just bathroom breaks and snacks, and sleep.
Then we'd all wake up happier.

it's a thought anyway.