Friday, August 29, 2008

Piggy Politics

The Candidates- Licorice, a black, smooth haired 4 year old guinea pig.
Connor- A plump smoothhaired tri color 4 year old pig

The political arena: Their cages.

Let the campaign begin!

Licorice: Pet me. I'm fuzzy.
Connor: Pet me. I'm fuzzy too, but in a different way.

Licorice: Pet me. I'm fuzzy AND cute.
Connor: No, pet me. I'm bigger, thusly more cuteness.

Licorice: I'm more pettable! Look! I'm doing a cute dance and purring loudly!
Connor: Don't listen to him. Just because he purrs louder he thinks he's better.
it's just noise. I provide you wil quality snugglinz!

Licorice: Quality snugglinz? You pee on her all the time. Pet me.
I'll tell you when I have to go and you won't get peed on.
Connor: My sources tell me that you've squirted her a few times.
Sounds like peeing to me.

Licorice: I peed only on accident, and only because you had peed there first
and gotten me riled up. I didn't mean to pee, and I apologized. Pet me. I'm more sincere!
Connor: Sincere? Even if I pee, I'm honest about having to pee. Anyway, this is
more about miscommunication. She didn't understand that I had to pee and I tried to tell her.
Pet me, and I promise I'll pee less and let you know more often when I have to.

Licorice:Your track record as far as not peeing stinks.
Connor: That's because I'm stinkier than you! Pet me and I will mark you with my love!

Licorice: Wait, now you're changing the subject!
Connor: Stinkier.

Licorice:Can't you stay on topic?
Connor: Did you hear the fridge?

Licorice:...I think I did....SQUEEEEK SQUEEEEK SQUEEEEK
Connor: Feed me! I'm starving! and adorable! look at my adorable butt wiggling for your pleasure!

Licorice: it doesn't wiggle out of pleasure it wiggles because you're fat.
Connor: hey that was poop slinging!

Licorice: only figuratively. I just ate the literal poop in the arousement of my appetite.
Connor: Oh yeah? Well I eat more poop than you! Just watch!

Licorice:Have you ever noticed that she doesn't like it when you have poop breath? HEY!
Pet me instead! I'm fresher smelling all around.
Connor:GNOM GNOM GNOM. Words fail. My actions speak for themselves.

Licorice:Hey you! What sounds more appealing to you; petting someone who is more
about eating his own poop and priding himself on his own stinkiness without thinking
about your own needs? As the pig that I am, I offer you undying devotion, love,
unconditional snuggliness and adoring glances.
Connor: Gnom Gnom. Fart. Here we go, making false promises. Fart. I'm honest.
What you see and smell if what you get. He's trying to make up for his lack of fur colorings.

Licorice:Don't bring color into this. Fur doesn't matter.
Connor: I beg to differ. I have a cute white nose stripe, and a pink foot.

Licorice: How superficial. We must all overcome outward appearances! it's what's inside
that makes us who we are. We must celebrate that.
Connor: Gnom Gnom Gnom. I'm celebrating right now. Fart.

Licorice: Pet me! I respond to you when you walk by!
Connor:No, you hide in your house or play hard to get. When she comes by, I'm out there,
mingling and snuffling. I pay attention to her needs.

Licorice: That's not paying attention. That's getting in her face and hassling her for food before
food time. I'm easier to pick up anyway, I wiggle less. and I don't run under my board when you try to
pick me up.
Connor: I've got Vertigo and motion sickness! Your making fun of my natural condition.

Licorice:How can you get sick? You can't puke! Vertigo? That's stretching it.
Connor: whatever Mr. I Live in a big purple house with a giant 4 color chew toy, a deluxe food
dish and poop trough.

Licorice:Are you picking on my living conditions?
Connor: Some of us grew up in harsh a barn full of pigs and not enough food. I felt
like a prisoner for years. But then I was rescued, and now I live happily in a modest cage with a
stinky green tube to provide cover on my way to the water bottle. I'm proud of how far I've come. You, you
can't comprehend what it's like. The sacrifices. You don't have the experience. I'm more well rounded.
She should pet me.

Licorice: Fine, I live in a bigger cage, but I live with the sorrow of knowing my brother once
shared this space with me and doesn't anymore. I know what pain is. He used to knock me away from the food dish.
Connor: Oh yeah? well I've got post barn trauma. I never know when I'm going to be fed. So I have
to work hard for it.

Licorice: This is just hair splitting. We both get fed at the same time.
Connor: She gives you more food.

Licorice: She'd rather pet a girl pig than you.
Connor: You didn't just say that.

Licorice:...mmmm...girl pigs. They exist, don't they?
Connor: Got myself a few back in my barn days. That's why I say I have more experience.

Licorice: You're a scandal on 2 inch legs.
Connor: So what Mr. lap of luxury.

Licorice: We both get the same lap you moron.
Connor: Oh...yeah. well, I'm going to go start an internet poll and rig it in my favor, cause
you're boring me and I'm sure you're boring her too.

Licorice: Do you even know what the internet is?.... What's she doing?
Connor: she's got a towel.

Licorice: to keep you from peeing on her.
Connor: Squirty butt.
Licorice:Stink master.
Connor: I'm proud of my butt policy.

Licorice:She's a got blue basin and a toothbrush.
Connor: what's that about?

Licorice:...oh no...I think she's...
Connor: What! WHAT?!!

Licorice: She's going to clean up the corruption in the system!
Connor:....BATHTIME!!! OH GOD!!

Licorice: yes! look! it's the noisy angry hot thing that happens after I get wet!!
Connor: AAAAGHH!!! (peeing and running under board)

Licorice: (poop!)
Connor: (teethchattering)

And so ends the campaign. All are punished. And clean smelling.

Disclaimer: Despite the similarities to actual politics, the events and characters in this piggy satire were clean in the end, adorable, and lovable, even if sometimes they were full of shit.