Now Presenting GODDAMMIT! the musical. A chronicle of my bad day.
Curtains open on a dark bedroom. our heroine lies in bed, reposing, when suddenly a ginat mechanical snail enters and cheerfully blares a loud japanese midi instrumental.
Snarling, our heroine beats the snail on the head until it stops, then flops down on bed again, and moans pathetically for several minutes before singing the first song: Oh Fuck, it's Morning Again.
"It's morning, it's morning, it came without a warning. I try to sleep but the sun is evil, it wants to burn my flesh."
Chorus: AhhhhhhhhhAhhhhhhhAhhhhhhhhOoooohhhhh
"Dammit dammit dammit, take your fucking cheer and jam it where the sun don't shine - I wish it wasn't here."
Bed wheels, away, revealing a skanky looking train car. Heroine makes quick costume change, pulling off oversized pajamas to reveal a green velvet dress, ala Lord of the rings. She does her hair and train car set continues to wheel on. heroine is surrounded by passengers in suits, students, and several obviously smelly people. Cue fog machine for smell effect.
Heroine: Fucking bus. Fucking train. (deliberate song cue)
Chorus of passengers begins to hum.
"The CTA never goes my way, gotta wait gotta wait and the damn things always late. Where's a seat? OW! Watch my feet. I'd like to beat that guy with the loud headphones"
Loud headphone guy gets up and dances badly. Other passengers rise with fake smiles. Cue bad white boy dance number, complete with jazz hands.
Lights down.
Lights up on lighting class.
Our heroine enters a classroom which is lit by blinding flourescent lights. The room is cold (fog machine) Other students rool on in chairs, shivering visibly and looking tired. The teacher enters and sings about lights.
"Lights are bright, Lights are nice, look aren't they pretty?" students moan in chorus
"Darkness is so overated, so if you want to get graded,
you'll all have to light a show. here we go!"
Well choreographed look of panic.
Walls of classroom break away and fold out to reveal the costume shop. lights dim, and spot comes up as our heroine sings the heartrending "I don't want to be here" song.
"I don't want to be here, I'd rather be in bed. I don't want to be here, just stab me in the head. Oh make the pain all go away, and please God send me home today, I'd rather just go home and play then beeee heeeeerrrrrre."
Evil wheelchair bound villain rolls on as loud wind noises are heard. She is wielding an orange jacket that looks like a rug and cackling with glee. behind her, the costume shop sings the Hurricane Frances song:
"It looks like we're gonna be blown away, Hurricane Frances hits today. She decimates all that she touches, runs you down with her chair, you'll be on crutches. She is the definition of pain...look out, it's a hurricane!"
heroine enters looking glum. Villain rolls up and plays nice.
"Can you finish this jacket? I only need you to rip the whole thing apart and sew it back together again so I can rip it apart and you can sew it back together again...again." Villain ties heroine to sewing machine with thread and lobs jacket at her.
Music from I don't want to be here is heard as heroine looks glum and a large clock descends from the ceiling, the hands moving quickly.
Suddenly, Shop Tom, in the supporting role as shop manager bursts on the scene singing "it's time for class"
"it's time for class, time for class, time for class, so move your ass! Go go go get out, before you have another doubt. "
Shop tom does a little dance and dances off as the scene changes. Lights fade.
Lights up on a classroom full of loud boisterous actors in chairs. Heroine is in the middle, looking tired and annoyed. Entire classroom bursts into a big song and dance number called "TEXT ANALYSIS, WHHHHEEEE!!
Chorus: text analysis wheeee, this is the class for ME! And Me! And Me! AND ME! We love to listen to ourselves all talk, at deafening decibels we love to squawk. We love to act, we don't shut up, and that is why we saaaaaayyyyyy........
(actors form big kickline and grab heroine, pushing her around between them)
TEXT ANALYSIS, what a trip! We think that drama theory is really hip! Yammer yammer yammer, yap yap yip!
The entire stage explodes with all kinds of random noises, laughter as heroine tries to escape.
Actor grabs her and sings "Nice Dress!"
Chorus: "that's a really nice dress, did you make that? What color is that? Is that green? that's a really nice dress, wow it's nifty! A dress like that i haven't seen!"
Random noise continues during scene change, Heroine escapes clutches of classmates and lauches into the "Damn Actors" song.
"Damn actors. So noisy. Damn actors. What hell. Damn actors, why am I always the only designer trapped among you in a class of hell?"
Lights up slowly as sinister music starts. We see the costume shop. The staff is humming the hurricane song and trying not to look disdainful as villain is waiting for heroine.
Villian: HAHA!!!! Villain throws out a long piece of piping with a bloddy rubber finger on one end and chases heroine with it.
Heroine is once again cornered by sewing machine, as a giant orange jacket unfolds itself from the scenery behind her and looms menacingly over the stage.
heroine starts a medley of I don't want to be here as staff continues to hum the hurricane song and the villain exposits to music.
"I'm here to drive you crazy, you've got nothing better to do. So stitch and stitch and stitch and stitch, remember I'm paying you! Just stitch and stitch and stitch and stitch and stitch and stitch some more! And while's you're over there stitching...I'll go home and watch cartoons!!!
Villain leaves in a gail of laughter. Fabric blows on to simulate hurricane cloud. Debris flies across stage striking the staff.
Shop Tom jumps onto his table and announces LET ME SEW IT!
The entire staff starts dancing and grabs parts of the orange jacket, parading around with them and poking heads out behind their pieces.
heroine is happy and thanks Shop Tom.
Everyone sings the go home song.
"it's that time again, time to go home. Get on the train line again, time to go home. it's that place, that space, where things are so sublime, go home again, and come back another time."
lights faade as staff exits and heroine mimics walking to train. Train set is wheeled on again. Cue fog machine as smelly people enter. Dum singing guy enters and hums the CTA song reprise. heroin looks annoyed. She gets off the train and waits by a bus stop sign. Crowds of people start gathering around her. The large clock drop from the ceiling again as more and more people get in her way.
heroine pushes her way out of the crowd and sings "Fuck it, i'm walking again."
"My feet aren't happy, but fate doesn't care. I still ned to get from here to there so I'll walk, yes I'll walk, I will fucking walk again. No sense in waiting for a bus that comes...who knows when."
Heroine walks around stage and people disappear. Stupid people with large cardboard cars taped to them enter stage and make honking noises. heroine walks by bench where stupid guy tries to talk to her and keeps yelling at her to stop and wait. heroine continues home.
Apartment facade wheels on, and person in large barking dog costume comes out barking and howling loudly. Spotlight on Heroine as she sings: Shut up you stupid mutt.
Goddamn dog, shut your face. I'm trying to find the key to get into my place. I've been here for a year, you're really dum. So shut the fuck up you stupid bum. Shut up you cars, you people and trains,
(chorus enters, singing Ooooohhhhhhhh)
I don't need any more emotional drain. I'm going inside, going in to hide, so go away, away, awaaaaaayyyyyyyyy....."
Cue crazy disco reprise of I don't want to be here complete with sequined neon bananas. All cast members are onstage dancing in a large kickline, wearing hot pink and electric blue mariachi costumes. Number turns into the final song, stab me in the head.
All: Stab me in the head, this day is done. Stab stab stabedy stab, it hasn't been much fun. Fuck all of you and fuck your dog too, Stab me in the head, I'm done!!!!!!!!!"
All wave frantic jazz hands as a model head is lowered from behind them and explodes into fireworks.
Curtain.
